The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter

Monday, March 07, 2005

Crabs in a Basket...

As we change, our friends and families can feel threatened, and actually strive to hold us back.  I can say this over and over, but a single letter can illustrate this far better.  It comes from a female student who is working courageously with weight and other issues.  She's one of my favorite people...

Dear Steve,

The good news- I've lost eight pounds through diet and exercise.  My
thighs and biceps are discernibly toned, I'm feeling healthier et

The bad news- I married a man who's de-evolving into such a jerk.  He's
getting on my case about dieting like my actions offend him.  Saturday
night was cool and funny, we all laughed.  I heated up some leftover
french onion soup (made with broth from a beef roast I'd made earlier
in the week and butter sauteed onions, then topped with toasted french
bread slices and melted cheese) for him and a friend of ours to eat. 
(HUSBAND) was still hungry so I threw together a batch of samosas (leftover
basmati rice with vegetables, frozen o'brien potatoes, curry powder,
garlic, salt, and roasted cumin seeds, fried in a pan of olive oil then
wrapped in a butter/flour crust and baked to golden perfection served
with mango chutney).  I'm a good cook, but these are not foods that fit
in a 1200 calorie a day diet so I got myself a 3 oz., 80 calorie can of
salmon to eat. HUSBAND started to lay into me about my no longer eating,
A FRIEND  made a comment about my preference for cat food.  It stayed
light and funny.  Then last night HUSBAND starts yelling at me because I
had a can of V-8 while everyone else was eating pizza.  He goes on in
this superior way about how he doesn't believe in fad diets, or
alternately that it must be nice to have the narcissistic luxury of
diet and exercise, but he's too busy being a grown-up now.  He's also
as overweight as I am and looks like a man with one foot in the grave
and in his beautifully sculpted athletic youth he used to look at
middle-aged pot-bellied men as ultimately pathetic.  I know that it's
his insecurity causing him to lash out at me, but I have enough
insecurity of my own I don't need his crap right now.

I need to lose this weight.  Being a 38DDD (yes, triple) is not easy on
my back, carrying this extra weight around my hard tile floors is not
easy on my knees or ankles.  No matter how positive my outlook, obesity
is still linked to diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, heart
attack, stroke... and I'm sure the list goes on.  This isn't the vanity
of ten or twenty pounds interfering with my pool-side strut.  This is a
health issue and I owe it to my babies to be strong and healthy and
around for a while.

All that said I also need a friend to tell me that I'm doing the right
thing.  So I'm asking you to counter the undermining of my efforts with
a little pep talk if you could.  It doesn't need to be personal, you
write plenty in your blog about weight issues.  And I write plenty of
stuff "from the bottom of my tank" in my blog.  It's just a hard
combination, change and criticism.  I need a friend today.

STEVE'S COMMENT:  you not only have the right to be healthy, you have the responsibility, for your children, and for yourself.  Your husband is filled with fear.  The weight is both a symptom and a cause. 
If he can tell himself there is no option, that he's doing all anyone can do, he can be at peace with his decisions.  But if you begin to wake up, to shake yourself loose, it threatens the hell out of his world view.  It makes him feel wrong and bad and ugly and old. 
I am so proud of you, and what you are dealing with is as real as it gets.  What to do?  Continue to journal, and meditate.  As the stress ramps up, this will be more necessary.  Meet his jokes and accusations with love, and realize that his negative aspects appealed to a negative aspect within you--you and he are one.  Loving him is loving yourself.  Don't take it's gonna get worse before it gets better.  Fear is a monster.  But if you are strong, and slowly, gently move your house toward health, you will find him taking small steps.  He is very, very frightened of life.  Don't be scarier than you have to. 
But above everything else, keep growing and changing.  Reach out on the discussion board--get the support of others who are fighting the same fight.  And I'll always be here for you, hon.  Promise.



Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Viagra Online said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Viagra said...

Excellent letter I like to write like that, I mean I'd like to become a poet because it's one of my goals.

safe generic viagra said...

Very nice article what you have shared with us... I like your writing skill what you have used in your letter. Good job! Keep posting...


Metformin 500 mg said...

Indeed a very interesting blog. Read a pleasure. Cognitive information that is very good.

Anonymous said...

accutane auf Rezept
proscar Prix en France
propecia Rezeptfrei
cialis Ohne Rezept
Buy plavix online
cipro Online Bestellen

Viagra said...

This is extremely encouraging. Thanks for the kindness you put into this.

viagra on line said...

Really great post, Thank you for sharing This knowledge.Excellently written article, if only all bloggers offered the same level of content as you, the internet would be a much better place. Please keep it up!

cialis online said...

Thanks mate... just dropped by. Will look for BIKE STN when we get to Seattle. Still in Buenos Airies.

Hcg Diet   said...

The post is very nicely written and it contains many useful facts. I am happy to find your distinguished way of writing the post. Now you make it easy for me to understand and implement. Thanks for sharing with us.

Buy clomid online said...

After reading the article, learned a lot of new and interesting. I advise everyone reading.

photography degrees said...

Wow, nice post,there are many person searching about that now they will find enough resources by your post.Thank you for sharing to us.Please one more post about that..

muebles en alcala de henares said...

I consider one and all should look at it.

hcg said...

I hope you have a nice day! Very good article, well written and very thought out. I am looking forward to reading more of your posts in the future.

Anonymous said...

Can I simply say what a relief to find someone who truly is aware of what theyre speaking about on the internet. You positively know the way to carry a difficulty to mild and make it important. More people have to read this and understand this side of the story. I cant consider youre not more common since you positively have the gift.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I know this is somewhat off topic but I was wondering if
you knew where I could get a captcha plugin for my comment form?
I'm using the same blog platform as yours and I'm having problems finding
one? Thanks a lot!

Also visit my blog post :: Social Bookmarking Service

Anonymous said...

I really like it whenever people get together and share views.
Great site, stick with it!

Review my blog - How To Lose Belly Fat

Anonymous said...

I always emailed this webpage post page to all my friends, because if like to read it then my links will too.

Feel free to visit my blog post :: World Of Tanks Hack

Anonymous said...

I was suggested this blog by my cousin. I'm not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my trouble. You are incredible! Thanks!

Here is my web blog:

Anonymous said...

casino online roulette
casino chicago concert europe hotel limousine online rent
hard rock casino in biloxi ms
scsi slot
best pc slot machine game
find free play slot machines
bangor slots
solitaire online casino
slot machine assasories
bellagio casino 5 card
northwen lights casino
best online casino gambling br best online casino gambling
pennsylvania slot machine
free blackjack playing sites
slotted wings
station casinos careers
casino rama social program funding
arsen roulette
casino gaming phoenix arizona
casino pa
bernstorff slot

Anonymous said...

It's going to be finish of mine day, but before finish I am reading this impressive article to improve my know-how.

Look into my blog :: homepage

Anonymous said...

Saved as a favorite, I like your blog!

Visit my weblog; tattoo removal cream reviews

Anonymous said...

Hey there! Quick question that's completely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My site looks weird when viewing from my apple iphone. I'm trying to find a template or plugin that might be able
to resolve this issue. If you have any recommendations,
please share. With thanks!

my webpage :: permanent hair straightening

Anonymous said...

We're a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your site offered us with valuable information to work on. You've done an impressive job
and our whole community will be grateful to you.

Look at my web site :: refinishing hardwood floors

Anonymous said...

You have made some really good points there. I looked
on the web for more information about the issue and
found most individuals will go along with your views on this site.

my blog - dry Scalp treatments

Anonymous said...

It is perfect time to make some plans for the future and
it's time to be happy. I have read this post and if I could I want to suggest you few interesting things or advice. Perhaps you could write next articles referring to this article. I want to read even more things about it!

Feel free to surf to my web page unknown

Anonymous said...

What's up, all is going sound here and ofcourse every one is sharing information, that's
in fact fine, keep up writing.

My webpage ... unknown

Anonymous said...

Great post. I am going through many of these issues as well.

Here is my blog post - Download 7 Zip

Anonymous said...

Peculiar article, just what I needed.

Also visit my web blog; unknown

Anonymous said...

It is in reality a great and useful piece of info.
I'm happy that you just shared this useful info with us. Please stay us informed like this. Thanks for sharing.

Here is my blog post unknown

Anonymous said...

hello there and thank you for your information – I have certainly picked up something new from right here.
I did however expertise several technical points using this site, since I experienced to reload the site many times
previous to I could get it to load correctly. I had been wondering if your hosting is OK?

Not that I'm complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will very frequently affect your placement in google and can damage your high quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords. Anyway I am adding this RSS to my email and can look out for much more of your respective interesting content. Ensure that you update this again very soon.

Feel free to visit my web-site :: stretch marks

Anonymous said...

Thanks for finally writing about > "Crabs in a Basket..." < Liked it!

Also visit my web page: pirater un compte facebook

Anonymous said...

Very good blog post. I definitely appreciate this website.
Keep writing!

Feel free to surf to my homepage :: Psn Code Generator

Anonymous said...

Way cool! Some very valid points! I appreciate you
penning this article and also the rest of the website is very good.

my blog post; Coconut Oil For Hair

Anonymous said...

Thanks to my father who told me concerning this webpage,
this webpage is in fact remarkable.

Here is my homepage :: Www.Xfire.Com

Anonymous said...

Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well written article.
I'll be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I will definitely comeback.

Here is my webpage: tattoo removal cream reviews

Anonymous said...

Hey there! Do you use Twitter? I'd like to follow you if that would be ok. I'm definitely enjoying
your blog and look forward to new posts.

Here is my website Unknown

Anonymous said...

Hmm it looks like your blog ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so I
guess I'll just sum it up what I submitted and say, I'm thoroughly enjoying your
blog. I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I'm still new to everything. Do you have any tips for rookie blog writers? I'd
definitely appreciate it.

my site ... Unknown

Anonymous said...

It's enormous that you are getting thoughts from this post as well as from our argument made at this time.

my page - Unknown

Anonymous said...

Hey would you mind letting me know which web host you're using? I've loaded your blog in 3 different web browsers and I must say this blog loads a lot quicker
then most. Can you recommend a good web hosting provider at a reasonable price?
Thank you, I appreciate it!

Visit my web blog :: Coconut Oil For hair

Anonymous said...

We stumbled over here by a different web page and thought I should check things out.
I like what I see so now i am following you.

Look forward to looking into your web page for a second time.

Feel free to visit my page - World Of Tanks Hack

Anonymous said...

Thanks , I have recently been searching for information
approximately this subject for ages and yours is the greatest I have discovered
so far. However, what about the bottom line? Are you certain in
regards to the supply?

My blog post - permanent hair straightening

Anonymous said...

Wow, awesome blog structure! How lengthy have you been blogging
for? you make running a blog glance easy. The entire glance of your web site is magnificent, let alone the content material!

my weblog :: unknown

Anonymous said...

Spot on with this write-up, I truly believe this
website needs a lot more attention. I'll probably be returning to see more, thanks for the information!

Here is my web page :: Unknown

Anonymous said...

Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and
wanted to mention that I've really loved surfing around your blog posts. After all I will be subscribing in your feed and I hope you write once more soon!

Feel free to surf to my web blog; what help Diarrhea

Anonymous said...

obviously like your website however you have
to test the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife
with spelling problems and I in finding it very troublesome to tell the reality on the other hand I'll surely come again again.

My homepage dry scalp Treatments

Anonymous said...

Very good article! We will be linking to this particularly great post
on our website. Keep up the great writing.

Take a look at my site - The interlace

Anonymous said...

What's up, the whole thing is going sound here and ofcourse every one is sharing data, that's in fact excellent, keep up

Also visit my web-site :: Psn Code Generator

Anonymous said...

Hello There. I found your blog using msn.
This is an extremely well written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and come
back to read more of your useful information.
Thanks for the post. I will definitely return.

my web-site :: Dragon City Cheat Engine

Anonymous said...

After exploring a few of the blog articles on your web site, I seriously
appreciate your technique of blogging. I added
it to my bookmark website list and will be checking back in the near future.
Please visit my website as well and let me know your opinion.

Have a look at my page :: Code Psn Gratuit **

Anonymous said...

Very soon this web page will be famous among all blogging and site-building people,
due to it's good articles

My blog post; Psn Code Generator

Anonymous said...

Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished
to say that I have truly enjoyed browsing your blog posts.
In any case I'll be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope you write again very soon!

Feel free to visit my site: World Of Tanks Hack

Anonymous said...

Hi, I do think this is a great site. I stumbledupon it ;) I am going to come back yet again since I saved as a favorite it.
Money and freedom is the greatest way to change, may
you be rich and continue to guide other people.

Here is my page ... Minecraft Crack

Unknown said...

What's happening, good website you've got here
buy cialis 20 mg online pill

Hydrocodone said...

Great website, continue the Excellent work!