The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter

Monday, April 11, 2005


So.  There may be more questions about what I feel I discovered, but let's take them over to the discussion list, where we can play with them at greater length.  Let's do a recap:  I have, for seven years, been married to the love of my life.  there is no doubt in my mind that I will never, in this life, find another woman as suited to me as Tananarive.  We went through processes similar enough in finding each other that, in combination with both observation and questioning of other couples, I believe that it is possible to optimize your own chances to find and hold a partner who is actually y our soul mate.  What is T's definition of that term?  Someone who, when you meet them, represents a pathway to yur future, to the rest of your life.  It is simple, and profound, and deep, and makes all other emotional attachments seem like so much tissue paper, so much marking-time.  It is real, and I think that the majority of people want such a relationship.  For those, I offer what seems to me, at this time, to be a pathway.
1) Be clear on who you are, and where  you are going.
2) Be certain thatt you love y ourself.  Not just like--love.  Be certain you have internal permission to be ecstatically happy.
3) make a list of the qualities  you desire in a partner.  find the person you  know, or can find, who comes closest to that list, sit them down and ask them what they are looking for in a partner.  Look at the gap between what they describe and where you are.  To the degree that those changes are positive, incorporate them at the rate of about 1% per week.
4) As you head toward your dreams, make it clear to the people around you who and what you are, what your dreams are.  Walk your talk.  Begin to eat, sleep and breathe your intentions in the world.  Make them positve, and loving, and powerful.
5) Don't settle for less than you are worth. As you begin to express  your beauty and power, people will be attracted to you.  Be choosy.  Be certain to spend your intimate time with those who actually match your values, needs, and desires, and empathize with your goals.  Don't waste your energy.
6) If necessary, celebacy might help you concentrate your energy.
7) Be honest, and kind.  Treat prospective lovers and partners the way you would want someone to treat  your brothers and sisters, your mom or dad, your own children.  There is enough pain in the world.  Don't add to it.
8) have faith.  Believe.  Love is real, and powerful, and transforming. 
9) Be certain that you are heading in the direction of the values you want in a partner.  Want a tight body? You'd better have one.  Want someone successful?  You'd better be manefesting.  Want someone emotionally healthy?  Lover, heal thyself.  Remember the saying "you can't have a relationship with someone crazier than you"?  Well, you can't have one with someone saner, either.  If you want to go old-school, guys may well be able to trade a higher level of power for a greater amount of beauty in a lady.  this has worked for thousands of yearsa, and will likely work for a thousand more.
10)  If your aspirations are higher than your accomplishment, be willing to partner with someone else who is "becoming".  After all, if you want someone to overlook your flaws, you had better the hell be ready to overlook someone elses.  Be brutally honest with yourself.  If you wouldn't want to jump into bed with you, live with you, love you, you've got your work laid out!
11)  The meditation, goal-setting, exercise and self-reflection tools on this blog can help you. there are other tools scattered around the world.  Find and use them.  But start by loving yourself, and giving yourself permission to have a passionate, committed, long-lasting, healthy, supportive, bountiful, sexy relationship.  It's worth it!
That's pretty much it for right now.  If I think of more, I'll add it at a later time.

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