Mirroring

(Unfortunately, the following will have more comments about how women deceive themselves than how men do it.  This is probably because women have confided more to me about this—not because they do it more.  I would love to have reader comments to fill in the other side more evenly)
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One of the most interesting phenomena is the way people in relationships can’t see how they match.  “I’m so much more mature than him.”  “She hasn’t grown up and I have” and so on.  Most of the time, I don’t believe it.  People in intimate relationships usually have matching strengths and weaknesses.  The things we dislike about others are often the things we fear in ourselves, folks—there’s no one out there.  We create the world we experience.
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A few weeks ago I overheard a conversation.  A very well dressed lady complaining about how her husband was like a child.  All he cared about was money.  And that her friends had the same problem, that they all talked about it at the beauty parlor.  I looked at this lady, beautifully dressed in her flawlessly aerobicized body,  Versace jeans, her expensive shoes, her five thousand dollar wristwatch, talking about all the time she and her friends spent at the beauty parlor, and I almost laughed in her face.  Clearly, she had chosen her husband for his wealth.  She could easily have chosen a poor artist, a farmer, a nine-to-fiver.  She could have any man she wanted. But she, and her beauty-parlor friends, found the richest men they could—men defined by their material possessions.  And then complained about it.  What do you think their husbands complain about?  That their wives are babies who understand nothing of the world, who just want to spend money.  And that husband will find a younger, prettier wife in a few years.  And that wife, if her husband’s business fails, will find a richer man.  And so it goes, with both blaming the other, and neither seeing that they are playing the exact same game.
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Memorize the following: IF WOMEN WERE MEN, THEY WOULD ACT LIKE MEN.  IF MEN WERE WOMEN, THEY WOULD ACT LIKE WOMEN. Neither side is superior.  Both sides tend to think they are.
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I recently had a conversation with a woman who is more than double her ideal weight.  Her husband is not far behind.  “For the life of me,” she said, “I don’t see how this ‘mirroring” thing works, Steve.  I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  I could hardly believe my ears.
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In some cases, the mirroring is flipped, a legitimate mirror-image: for instance, he works out of the house, she is a home-maker.  That is a traditional balance, even if it sometimes leads to exhaustion and frustration on both sides (“he doesn’t help me around the house!”  Yeah, lady, he’s exhausted.  “She doesn’t help with the bills” Yeah, dude.  Kids are a full-time job.)  What seems to be a train wreck is the opposite: SHE makes the money, HE stays home to take care of the kids.  I’m sure that there are cases where it works, but I’ve had the chance to observe about five of ‘em up close, and in every case it was a disaster.  Unless it is a VERY temporary thing, or unless he is working from home, the sexual charge between the two of them disappears like meatloaf in a dog dish.  Resentments skyrocket.  Both partners start gaining weight (THIS one I don’t quite understand, but I keep seeing it!)  And the woman starts acting more aggressive, the guy starts acting more withdrawn and moody…it’s terrible to watch.
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The most usual thing I see when people are first confronted with the “mirroring” is to find a way to make themselves look good.  “I like to nurture people, and he needed nurturing…” NO!  Try instead: “I was too cowardly to work on myself, so I found someone who needed fixing, to distract me.”  That fits lots better. 
A recent one:  “I need to be a hero, so I found a woman to rescue.”  NO!  Try:  “I’m broken, and terrified to be angry with my mother, who damaged me.  So I found a woman who reminded me of her, so that I could resent her.”
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Another good game.  Another recent conversation:  “I was scared, so I married a dominant man.  Then I divorced him for dominating me.  Then I found a guy who I could control.  Now I want to leave him because he’s too weak.”  In other words, you are now angry for being the people you specifically sought out.  Dr. Laura gets ten of these calls a day.  No wonder she screams at people.
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People, our choices tell about us.  Some people deliberately avoid committed relationships because they KNOW that who and what they really are will rise up and bite their asses if they do. So they live alone.  I know a woman like that—she had never had a single committed relationship in all the years I knew her, raised her child alone, blamed men for “not being strong enough to deal with her.”  Hogwash.  She was strong and smart, sure. But there are plenty of men stronger and smarter.  She couldn’t attract one of them. She never wanted to learn how to project her femininity in a way to make one of those men’s hindbrain go “yow!” To make one of their subconscious’ say “I’d want my daughter to grow up to be this woman.”  So she got casual relationships, married men throwing her sex, or weak guys lurking around.  And considered it a badge of honor.
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Or another lady: “All men are dogs.  And I should know: I’ve been married eight times.”  Lady, there is only one thing in common between all of your marriages: you were there.
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IF WOMEN WERE MEN, THEY’D ACT LIKE MEN.  IF MEN WERE WOMEN, THEY’D ACT LIKE WOMEN.  I KNOW that men do the exact same stuff, because they are human, and this is obviously a human problem.  Please, please, please (as the Hardest Working Man in Show Business says) if you want to evolve to the next level, LEARN THE LESSON IN WHATEVER COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS YOU HAVE, OR HAVE HAD.  See where you caused it.  Folks, it would have been SO easy to blame Nicki’s mom for what happened.  And if I had, there is NO  chance I would have been ready for Tananarive.  And Tananarive has said many, many times that she got countless invitations to join the “Men Are Dogs” club.  And if she’d paid her dues, we wouldn’t be happy now.
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See the mirror.  Accept the responsibility. Then, and only then, will you move on.  Otherwise I’ll see you again next decade, new relationship, same problems.