The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter

Monday, June 06, 2005

Meditation report

Difficulties in meditation these last few days.  Basically, I wake up after about 6 1/2 hours sleep, feeling heavy and tired.  If I lay there for another hour, allowing myself to stay in a half-dream state, the fatigue drains away...this suggests to me that I need more low-level cardio work, or I might be slightly overtrained.  Another interpretation is that the stress of the last few months is making itself known, so that I can process it.  We'll see.  I sit up, holding my spine erect, and with closed eyes search for my heartbeat.  It feels much like entering a cave filled with bats--my thoughts wheel around out of control for the first five minutes. Another sign of stress.  Concentrating on my heartbeat, but keeping slight tension on the anal sphincter, I can get a slight sense of "black water swirling down the drain", as if the anal lock is lifting a plug in a tub of polluted water.  Interesting.  If I keep this up, I get a glimpse of the inner light I'm looking for.  Just a glimpse.  Right now, it takes about 25 minutes before the light really turns on. 
I suspect, as said before, that this is a result of moving to the "next level."  I'm dealing with deeply encrusted, old, old fears, doubts, negative issues and beliefs that I've never been focussed enough to deal with before.  Man oh man, the work never stops!  It's like you clean and polish one chamber to a mirror-finish...and your reward is that you get to pop through into another dirty chamber.  Wow.  Of course, the furniture is much nicer here...
The problem is the illusion that as some point the work will stop.  Hah!  Get over it, Steve...

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