The Lifewritng Triad

Just came across another piece of the reason I stress that triad of Relationship, Fitness, and Career (service).  One of my friends is a guy who has been stuck in a loveless relationship for twenty years.  His "girlfriend" rarely sleeps with him, has never said she loves him, they live in the same house and barely see each other.  For years he confessed to being miserable, but couldn't break it off.  He is now involved with a married woman, which he rationalizes in a way that would have horrified the ambitious, intelligent, vivacious young guy he was twenty years ago.  Sad.  And he believes that nothing is wrong with him, he just made "choices" and was "too loyal" and other self-deceptions of that kind.  You know somehting, he may be right.  I'd say there's about a 10% chance I'm wrong in what I see.  My friend is quite competant physically, and gainfully employed, so 2/3 of his triangle is in great shape.  I could be wrong.  But you will find that you are right more often than not if you assume that everyone wants intimate loving relationships, financial security and freedom, and a lean healthy body.  Assume these things, and let your alarm bells go off when people give you their justifications why they don't have one.  If they don't have two, let the alarms go louder.  A person out of whack in all three is almost certainly sinking in an ocean of self-loathing and self-denial.
##
why are relationships so important?  For one thing, I always ask the question: what would happen if the entire world operated by the standards of person X, or accepted behavior Y?  What would happen if all children came from broken homes, or were raised by single mothers?  For instance, I think that single mothers can be absolute angels.  I was raised by a single mother.  She was married, and then divorced, and never married again.  I may believe there were some personality problems there, but I know she gave us everything.  I also know women who got pregnant accidentally (they say), and raised the child themselves, never marrying.  It's a struggle, but it can be done.  Kudos there, as well--if they are telling the truth.  But women who deliberately get pregnant without partners, I find to be incredibly selfish.  They have never managed to heal themselves enough to have a relationship with another adult human being, but want little pet humans to fullfill them.  These strike me as being blind to a terrible degree. If they want to raise children, they should adopt.  Or heal themselves to be able to have and hold a relationship with another man or woman (I could care less).  But children need two parents.  I happen to believe that boys, especially, need a father, but I'm willing to be flexibile about that.  Two mommies or two daddies could probably be pretty interesting.  But I've known too many women who just screwed around, picked some guy for good genes, were in "love", or were honest enough to say: "I just wanted a baby."  And so far, every single one of them that I know of had struggles that healthy married women didn't have.  Not that the married (or widowed, or divorced) women didn't have problems, but they were qualitatively and quantitatively different.  There is probably no condition more constant among felons than the lack of a strong father in a healthy home.  To try, and fail to create a home is honorable. to set out from the beginning to do it alone is a crime.
##
And what about the men who have children and don't raise them?  Who walk away from their responsibility?  For them, I reserve a special circle of hell.  They are beneath my contempt. The deliberate single mothers may have made a mistake, but I honor their efforts, and grant that human beings have flaws and wounds--they succumbed to them. but the men who abandon their children are simply scum.
##
I read a statistic recently, that may help convince those who think that marriage isn't necessary, partners aren't necessary for the raising of children, or the maintenance of a healthy family.  Again, there are many strong women who persevere anyway, but by now you know my attitude is that if they would look within themselves, they'd find the flaws they need to heal to find a healthy partner, instead of rationalizing about why there are "so many wonderful women, so few good men."  Feh.
##
Here' the quote, from a New York times article June 12, 2005: "Of the small number of poor single mothers who marry, 56 percent are lifted out of poverty, according to a 2002 study conducted by Signe-Mary McKernan and Caroline Ratcliffe for the Urban Institute.  Getting a job is more common, and 39 percent of poor people who are hired rise out of poverty, as against 35 percent who get at least a two-year college degree."   What?  "Just" getting married is about 70% more efficient than getting a job OR an education in lifting one from poverty?  Come again? 
##
when I look at the phenomenal damage done to children by poverty, and the fact that, form my perspective, almost everyone wants a relationship, it seems like a no-brainer to concentrate my attention there. Yes, social factors can complicate rising from lower to middle class. Yes, in some social strata, there are more women than men.  but that has NOTHING to do with the relationship history of a particular woman.  If 2/3 of the population is out of work, does that give ME an excuse not to have a job?  As my dear, dear ex-brother in law Patric says: "If there are only two jobs left out there--I'm getting one of them!"
Who CARES that there are 10% more women than men in a particular classification.?  That has nothing at all to do with your particular odds of success in finding a partner.  The problem is that we attract our mirrors.  And too many of us don't like what we see in the mirror.
##
Because of these and other factors, with apologies to those men and women who are genuinely happy being broke, fat, or living alone, I HAVE to assume that these represent dysfunction, because we lie to ourselves about our pain and fear.  This is what humans do.  and I have failed friends in the past because I believed their lies.  I will never, ever do that again.
Anything less would be a disservice to the world's children, and that would be not only a shame, but a sin.
##
so I state my position clearly: every person reading this blog CAN have all three: a healthy career, a healthy body, a healthy relationship. It requires positive thinking, hard work, flexible life plans, appropriate role models, and lots and lots of energy.  And NO, you don't need to buy "The five Minute Miracle".  I just strongly suggest it, that's all.