Homosexuality

Because both direct comments and private e-mails have touched on this question, and we are still dealing with heart-space issues, I thought I'd comment. When I was in High School, like many of my contemporaries, I had a "yuck" response to the thought of gays. Then, as I got to know more of them, it just seemed to me that they were people making a different choice, or people for whom a different choice had been made. I honestly don't know. I do know that there I've seen enough examples of homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom to know that this isn't just a human thing, and that it also makes sense sociobiologically. Biologically, of course, one is less likely to pass on genetic contributions. But even there, the ancient Greeks considered that sexual contacts between an older man and a young boy were appropriate and even condusive to the communication of certain values. Lovers were thought to be the fiercest fighters on the battlefield in certain contexts. A man was expected to marry and raise a family, certainly, but I suspect homosexuality was partially approved of as a form of birth-control during non-monogamous sex. Of course, criticisms that Socrates would not "fully engage" during gay orgies can either be read as a delicious insight into a revered philosopher, a normalization of homosexuality, or a mark against same. One takes one's pick here.
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In many tribal societies, powerful men had as many women as they could afford. (In fewer societies, but still enough for comment, one finds women with multiple husbands.) This of course leads to two scenarios: groups of women TECHNICALLY sexually available only to one man. It would seem natural for lonely women to find comfort in each other's arms. Also, you get large numbers of young men without access to wives. similar comforts can easily be imagined--in fact, homosexuality would seem a socially stablizing factor under those circumstances. Of course, there was always a lot of back-door creeping going on, especially as the old leader grew...well, infirm, shall we say. Ahem. As one of my first girlfriends put it, "there are a lot of old men who THINK they're fathers."
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At any rate, looking at the vast variety of human engagement, what it really boils down to for me is that I think love is unutterably precious, and any way that adults find to experience it is fine with me. I feel sorry for people who feel that the joy or sexuality experienced in the house down the street has direct bearing on their own happiness.
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But are the rules the same? Don't know. It seems to me that gay male relationships display the strengths and weaknesses of the male animal, while gay female relationships display the strengths and weaknesses of the female animal.
A joke I heard from a lesbian:
Q: What does a lesbian bring on her second date?
A: A moving van.
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There is no lesbian equivilency of the baths, that notorious gay male sex-as-an-extreme-sport venue with glory holes and all kinda yummy back rooms. Many, many times in my youth I wished I had the gene, or the inclination, to allow me to enjoy such a thing. It just seemed so damned convenient. Of course, the fact that such behavior is an absolute forcing-ground for disease is an inevitable truth. Men don't like anything like facts to get in the way of their boffing. If anything, I suspect that much heterosexual male aversion to gays is and was a bit of jealousy--that gays were behaving the way hetero males would, if they could get women to play along. Sigh.
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At any rate, because I've only been an observer here, I can't claim to have any deep knowledge of this area, and would love to ask readers to add comments. How do they see gay relationships as different from straight? Are there different rules of courting, living together, breaking up? Gays are of course most encouraged to post to these effects, but anyone with very close friends or family might have good observations. Similarities and differences, people. And no nastiness. Unpleasant posts might well be left up, just so that we can see who is an asshole. Fair warning.

Steve

Soulmate--wrap-up

So.  There may be more questions about what I feel I discovered, but let's take them over to the discussion list, where we can play with them at greater length.  Let's do a recap:  I have, for seven years, been married to the love of my life.  there is no doubt in my mind that I will never, in this life, find another woman as suited to me as Tananarive.  We went through processes similar enough in finding each other that, in combination with both observation and questioning of other couples, I believe that it is possible to optimize your own chances to find and hold a partner who is actually y our soul mate.  What is T's definition of that term?  Someone who, when you meet them, represents a pathway to yur future, to the rest of your life.  It is simple, and profound, and deep, and makes all other emotional attachments seem like so much tissue paper, so much marking-time.  It is real, and I think that the majority of people want such a relationship.  For those, I offer what seems to me, at this time, to be a pathway.
1) Be clear on who you are, and where  you are going.
2) Be certain thatt you love y ourself.  Not just like--love.  Be certain you have internal permission to be ecstatically happy.
3) make a list of the qualities  you desire in a partner.  find the person you  know, or can find, who comes closest to that list, sit them down and ask them what they are looking for in a partner.  Look at the gap between what they describe and where you are.  To the degree that those changes are positive, incorporate them at the rate of about 1% per week.
4) As you head toward your dreams, make it clear to the people around you who and what you are, what your dreams are.  Walk your talk.  Begin to eat, sleep and breathe your intentions in the world.  Make them positve, and loving, and powerful.
5) Don't settle for less than you are worth. As you begin to express  your beauty and power, people will be attracted to you.  Be choosy.  Be certain to spend your intimate time with those who actually match your values, needs, and desires, and empathize with your goals.  Don't waste your energy.
6) If necessary, celebacy might help you concentrate your energy.
7) Be honest, and kind.  Treat prospective lovers and partners the way you would want someone to treat  your brothers and sisters, your mom or dad, your own children.  There is enough pain in the world.  Don't add to it.
8) have faith.  Believe.  Love is real, and powerful, and transforming. 
9) Be certain that you are heading in the direction of the values you want in a partner.  Want a tight body? You'd better have one.  Want someone successful?  You'd better be manefesting.  Want someone emotionally healthy?  Lover, heal thyself.  Remember the saying "you can't have a relationship with someone crazier than you"?  Well, you can't have one with someone saner, either.  If you want to go old-school, guys may well be able to trade a higher level of power for a greater amount of beauty in a lady.  this has worked for thousands of yearsa, and will likely work for a thousand more.
10)  If your aspirations are higher than your accomplishment, be willing to partner with someone else who is "becoming".  After all, if you want someone to overlook your flaws, you had better the hell be ready to overlook someone elses.  Be brutally honest with yourself.  If you wouldn't want to jump into bed with you, live with you, love you, you've got your work laid out!
11)  The meditation, goal-setting, exercise and self-reflection tools on this blog can help you. there are other tools scattered around the world.  Find and use them.  But start by loving yourself, and giving yourself permission to have a passionate, committed, long-lasting, healthy, supportive, bountiful, sexy relationship.  It's worth it!
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That's pretty much it for right now.  If I think of more, I'll add it at a later time.

The Five Minute Miracle

Stress is a killer, in so many different ways. It kills dreams, and hopes, and health, and love. It caused violence, and destroys perspective. The Five Minute Miracle is based on the concept that, if you have balanced goals (in body, mind, and spirit/emotions) and then learn to handle the stress that naturally arises as you attempt to reach them, you will teach yourself everything you need to know to evolve as a spiritual and mental being. There are many ways of dealing with stress, and we have spoken of many of them on this blog. Meditation, prayer, hugs, sex, rest, art, dance, yoga. One of the most powerful is to learn to breathe properly, then learn proper physical structure and motion. To begin to integrate these so that they become automatic. Yoga, Tai Chi, and sveral other disciplines address this powerfully. The Five Minute Miracle is the most efficient approach to this that I know of. I implore you: if you handle the stress in your life you will:

1) double your energy
2) improve sleep
3) improve your sex life
4) increase your creativity

and more. If you do this the FIVE MINUTE MIRACLE, you can also:
1) improve posture
2) increase metabolism
3) increase muscle tone
4) flatten your stomach
5) slow the aging process.

And more. Do yourself a favor and order it today! You have nothing to lose--100% money back guarantee, and plenty of support through this blog and the Five Minute Miracle forum. In life, stress is inevitable. Strain is optional Start taking your life back!

Lifewriting

Lifewriting

Some of the recent posts have pushed some buttons, and that is good--it means I'm dealing with dangerous issues, probing into places where people's fears and resentments abide. I thought it appropriate to re-state, once again, the goal of the Lifewriting system, the personal philosophy I've evolved over the last fifteen or so years.
Everything I write about here addresses this. In fact, a core principle is to clearly define intent, and then gather the resources necessary to proceed in that direction. So, here we go:

The goal of Lifewriting is to create powerful, beautiful, loving, giving human beings, living without fear, moving toward their true goals at a steady, satisfying rate. To live life as a wonderful adventure. It is NOT to have power to control or manipulate others. NOT to force your body into some culturally-determined and physically unhealthy or unattainable model. NOT to suggest that unless you are in a committed, monogamous, heterosexual, reproductive relationship there is something wrong with you. Hell, no.

But over the years, I've simply known too many people who lied to themselves about what they wanted. I know this, because eventually they confided in me. They lied about wanting sexy, lithe bodies. They lied about wanting money. They lied about wanting love and intimacy. Yes, there are people who genuinely don't want sme of these things, or don't want them in the way I write about them. Agreed. But I would estimate about 98% of people do. They want bodies that would be attractive to them. They want to earn a good living doing something they love, and have enough extra money to provide safety and comfort for the people they love. They want bonding with another human being, someone to share with and care for. If you are part of the 2% who does not want these things, fine. But I hope you are telling yourself the truth. I have met evolved spirits who do not bond to other humans. enlightened souls with no use for earthly power or money. And people who have moved beyond the concerns of the body. They exist. They are also rare as hell.
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What do you usually find? People who have been hurt. people who have been abused by power--and so do not want it. People who have no role models for healthy relationships, or believe they cannot have them, and so give up. Peplle holding so much fear in their bodies that they dare not aspire to the grace and power and sensuality that is their birthright. And on the off chance that one of those people reads this blog, and needs and ally to say: YES! You can have love! You can have health and grace and beauty! You can have financial success in an ethical and joyful career! if they need an ally to combat the voices around them and within them that cause them to doubt, I will not bow to social pressure to be "correct", nor allow my own fears of inadequacy to force me to back down. This is the truth as I see it. I am willing to open my life as a book and let you see,as clearly as I can, the mistakes I made (and still make!) but also what I see ahead, so that you can differentiate the seeker from what he seeks, the teacher from the teaching.
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EVERYTHING I speak of here is based upon the belief that we can have balanced, healthy, happy lives. I believe that with every fiber of my being. And I thank all of you who have interacted with me, in person and on this blog and in other forms--only by your testing these concepts can I gain confidence that that mountain I see is indeed there. Yes, there are other paths up the mountain, and I honor and salute them. But this one is valid as well, and there is room for any of you willing to take the hike.

I love you all. Because I love myself, and my life, and the potential of existence.

Steve

High School Reunion

High School Reunion

Went to my 35th high school reunion last night.  I have no words for how wonderful it was to see those people, many of whom I had not seen since cap and gown day. Most of them seemed happy and healthy—but then, people don’t tend to go to reunions unless they can hold their heads up.  In a few cases, you could see the effects of stress on their lives.  I have no interest in bringing up names, but there were instances in which old friends or classmates had had hard, challenging lives.  And we let each other know that small kindnesses along the way had made a huge difference.  There were women I’d had terrible crushes on: Sonja Douglas, Donna Bostic, a few others.  Wonderful to see them looking so well.  Hell, it would have been good to see them under any circumstances.  A lady named Denise Brown who had been kind to me in junior high school. She and her friend Brenda Merriweather I had considered Golden Goddesses, back in my geekiest days.  I had no real sense of self then.  And they were kind to me.  They thought I was smart and cute and funny, and their smiles and hugs gave me hope that one day women of such class might actually be attracted to me.  Maybe.  It gave me hope.  It was such an incredible,  empowering experience.  We were all survivors.  And some of us had thrived.  And there were pictures of some of those who hadn’t made it, and I’m telling you, I got a lump in my throat.  I saw my old friend Howard Kokubun’s picture.  Howard was smart and good and athletic, my best friend for years, although we grew apart.  He was simply a good human being.  But not lucky.  He died in a motorcycle accident not eight years out of high school.  Damn. 

Treasure the people you meet along the way.  They all have things to teach, they all have a story to tell.  Each has walked a long way, and some are tired and need a hand, or even a smile from someone who remembers them from better days.  Give all the love you can—there is never enough of that in the world.  And believe me: small kindnesses are remembered, even thirty-five years later.

Soul Mate Part 7--Tananarive's story

So.  Tananarive was the relationship columnist for the Miami Herald.  I lived in Washington state.  And we sensed, after only three days, that we were supposed to be together.  I admired her mind, her spirit, and her waistline.    Yeah, I checked it out.  If I hadn't liked it, I would have backed off.  Is that honest enough for you?  After all, I needed someone as energetic as I, someone with similar values and beliefs and behaviors.  You think its easy to stay in shape?  That you don't need all the support you can get?  Hah!  Ever have a husband or wife sabotage your efforts to train, or eat healthfully? It's notoriously common.  So I needed a partner.  Period.
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And so did she.  Talking to her for many many expensive hours over the next months, I learned that she had, quite brilliantly, positioned herself in that relationship column partially to learn, to speak with  countless happy and unhappy lovers, seeking to learn what made a decent relationship tick.  She was unhappy wth her relationship history (a red flag!) so she went into therapy to try to get to the bottom of it.  It's not my place to discuss the issues she was digging into, but let's just say the work was hard, and serious, and honest.    She was also unhappy with the way she had been sharing her sexual energy, and had made a commitment to not have sex again unless it was with someone who loved her.  Wow.  Are we seeing a pattern here?
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I was, and am, fourteen years older than Tananarive, and took that VERY carefully into consideration.  She is a powerhouse with her own destiny and drive, and I wanted to be fair with her.  Would I be able to help her?  Stand with her?  Suport her?  She wanted a family.  Was I prepared to accept that responsibility whole-heartedly?  Fourteen years her senior, physical fitness was going to be crucial to ensuring that I kept my energy at the highest possible levels--emotionally, intellectually, sexually, and physically. She is a lioness.  She deserves a lion, not a broken-down old man by the time she is sixty and I am seventy-four.  Was I prepared to do EVERYTHING in my power to give that to her?  If not, I had no right ot court her.  She had the right, the responsibility to want a man who would be an active, vigorous father to her children, a protector, someone with enough sexual energy to balance hers , to make her feel desired, needed, wanted, appreciated.  Was I prepared to place my personal history, my fears and disappointments behind me?
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And another issue.  Quite probably, T is a better writer than I am.  At least, for a variety of factors, there is a VERY good chance that her career will exceed my own.  One reason is that black female readers are FAR better organized, and greater in numbers than black male readers.  And that women tend to read other women's work across color lines far more than men do.  Was I prepared to put my ego away, to suport her in every possible way,, even if her career soared and mine crashed and burned?  Well, I thought...if she made a ton of money, and I didn't, I guess I could handle being a kept man...heh heh heh.
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When she came to Washington to visit me for the first time, I took her to Toni's house (my ex.  We lived on opposite sides of a duplex, so that Nicki would have a home.  She came to my house after school, and her mother's house for dinner.)  I introduced T to Toni and Nicki.  Nicki immediately hugged her. the kid was what?  Ten at the time?  It was perfect.  Love that little girl.  then I put the three of them together in a room, said, "talk about whatever you want to" and left them for a couple of hours.  I figured that if I really loved T, if I really wanted what was best for her, I  wanted her to be as informed as possible about the decision she was making.  Who better to tell her the kind of man I was than my ex?  I mean, if your ex trash-talks you, doesn't that say volumes about who you are, whether or not it's the truth?  So THAT was one of the bravest things I've ever done.  And one of the smartest.  I had worked very hard to clean up my relationship with Toni, who I love dearly, and is one of the kindest, sweetest people I have ever known.  I may get into that question, because that was part of my emotional foundation, and there is no doubt that we collaborated in screwing up our relationship, big time.  Sigh.  Another story. At any rate, T saw more deeply into who I was, and who I've been, and who I hope to be, big time.  Yeah, like Steve Perry says, I had something of a reputaion in the Sf community.  I had a lot of shallow fun, and even some deep fun.  And of all my old lovers, I think only maybe two of them dislike me now, and...hmmm...how can I say this without bragging?  Maybe I can't .  I got WAY into triple digits.  But like Harlan said once, all that means is that I was searching for love.  Desperately trying to complete myself, understand my self, heal myself.  At the core of it all, I think each and every one of us is searching for Ourselves, looking to peer more deeply into the mystery of life and love. That sexual dance is the most delightful mirror I know.  Nothing says more about you than your sexuality: at one moment you have touch, taste, smell, hearing, and sight engaged. When else is that true?  The Baud  (Bawd?) rate of communication is through the roof.  You learn about inhibition, pride, creativity, intelligence (sex with low-normal folks isn't much fun.  Don't ask.)  physical energy and tone, maturity, balance, and a host of other factors.  All at the same time.  So I was searching.  Faaaaar and wide.  Ahem.
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When I met Tananarive, I grasped instantly that she was a hot-house flower, raised in a loving, traditional, conservative black family, and the shadow of the church. There was no way in hell that she would feel nurtured with anythingless than a monogamous relationship.  Unless I was willing to offer that to her, I knew not even to start.  And further, because of my reputation, I had to offer it to her, NOT WAIT FOR HER TO DEMAND IT. AND I HAD TO MEAN IT, AND STICK TO IT.  Wow.  I had never been monogamous in my life.  I'd always been honest, except perhaps to myself.  Was I ready to step into a completely different level of maturity and focus?  To be with one phenomenal woman for the rest of my life?  The answer was yes.  So I promised her.  I told her the truth.  And I am proud to say that from the moment I met Tananarive, even before we were officially committed, I haven't been with another woman.  And that blows my own mind.  I didn't even know I had it in me.  that's not just love.  I loved Toni.  That is something else, for which I have no good name.  Do any of you?

More later

Soul Mates Part 6--Cleaning up some issues

wanted to take a moment to speak specifically to some of the comments that have been made in response to my story thus far.  A few people have been offended, or wondered what I meant by this or that.  Let me please speak to this, because I need to complete this story, and bring it up to date, and I don't want misunderstandings.

1)  No, I don't expect people to follow my pattern.  I do think that the place I came to, of self-acceptance, clarity, self-confidence, and willingness to walk alone and not waste my sexual or emotional energy, IS valuable.  I spoke of the way I reached this place.  You may be able to as well.  But other routes must exist.

2) The "Beauty-Power Axis" clearly relates to the dynamics that create families.  In other words, it is most powerful and accurate for those in heterosexual relationships through their 40's.  Beyond child-bearing age, or in gay relationships, the power transactions are more equivilent--value for value, with beauty and power equally important.

3) The new model for relationships in the 21st century seems to be leaning toward equivilent power as well.  But I VERY rarely see the power poles switched: i.e.--her power for his beauty.  I know of a few cases, but in none of them are th4ey actually building a family and life together.  This does not mean it's not possible.  In several cases, I watched the woman go out to earn the living,a nd the guy take the traditional homemaker role.  And in every case, the sexual energy went right out the window.  Cultural?  Perhaps.  I don't know. The jury is out.

4)  Weight issues.  This one is tricky.  I thinkthat the first 5-15 pounds of excess weight or so is no big deal.  Just lifestyle and personal preference stuff.  But by the time your secondary sexual characteristic become obscured, by the time joints are hurting, backs hurting, and it becomes a burden to walk up a flight of stairs, this is no longer lifestyle.  It is no  longer a little metabolic situation.  It is emotional.  I've simply had too many former obese people tell me that when emotional issues cleared up, they were able to drop the weight.  Too much evidence that it relates to depression, anger, pain, fear, loss, and grief and resentment.  I jsut don't believe what I was told growing up: that overweight is simply a choice, or that it is a physical condition that can't be helped.  No.  I don't.  Sorry.  Ive had too many friends die.  DIE.  From obesity-related illness.  If I had spoken the truth to them, maybe they'd still be alive.  but they surrounded themselves with people who would tell them pretty lies, and allow them to continue on down the road to self destruction.  I will be damned if I will EVER do that again.

5)  What we consider attractive usually relates to damned good reasons.  Much (not all) of human behavior relates to survival of self and family.  Most of what we consider beauty relates to health: clear complexion, strong bones and teeth, symmetrical faces, high energy.  Or emotional health, like discipline, self-love and respect, clarity of purpose, emotional endurance, resistance to fear.  when women say they are attracted to ambitious, intelligent, successful men--what the living hell is wrong with that?  Aren't they supposed to seek  out the healthiest mates possible?  and men are attracted to women who, by visual appearance, give them sexual stimulation: secondary sexual characteristics, self-confidence, sensuality...all of these thingsrelate to mothering and fathering.  Subtract these from the equation, and the entire human race collapses.  So if you have moved beyond the need or desire to raise a family, have a partner in these sense, fine!  but better than 80% of the human race wants these things, so it's legitimate to address them. In no way, shape or form do I suggest that those in non-reproductive relationships are unhealthy, any more than if you're in a marriage you are automatically somehow healthy.  No.  but if you've had a string of failed relationships, I suggest you want to look at that closely.

6)  I don't consider myself enlightened.  I do consider my self on the path of enlightenment.  There is a subtle and powerful difference.  Part of the reason I am exposing myself here is to directly discuss issues that I can address only obliquely in my writing, and allow people t give me direct feedback.  this isn't just about having a good life.  It's about having a good death, to be clean with myself about who and what I am in this world, and to do absolutely everything I can to leave it a better place than I found it.  I barely even spell-check this stuff: it's pretty raw, but that's what it has to be to be as honest as possible.
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Well.  Enough of that.  Next, we're back to what happened with me and the spectacular Tananarive.  Can't wait!

Steve

Kanazawa Sensei

(written on March 16)
Tired today.  Up REALLY late last night observing a shotokan karate seminar taught by one of Funakoshi's original student, Master Kanazawa.  There is always something different about those functioning at the highest levels of expertise, and this gentleman, still a lethal warrior and superb teacher at the ripe age of 73, is one of those masters, one of those rare human beings who exemplify the very essence of their discipline.  It doesn't matter whether you're talking playing piano, singing, chess, martial arts, writing, or any other discipline I know of--the real masters radiate something not merely quantitatively but qualitatively different.  It is worth it to seek such people out, to be in their presence, to watch their interactions, to allow your subconscious to absorb this essence of excellence.  Such moments can be life-changing.
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This is a man who, single and empty-handed, took out a dozen Yakuza in a Tokyo sake bar, an incident chronicaled in C.W. Nicol's wonderful book "Moving Zen."  So there is no doubt that he is one of the most lethal human beings ever to walk the earth.  He is also gentle--to watch him teaching children, with infinite patience, giving them more time than he gives to the adults, says that his values are rock-solid.  He enjoyed a margarita at the end of the evening--he knows how to relax and laugh and enjoy the fellowship of his companions. A superb athlete and a scholar, Kanazawa is a living testimonial to the value of becoming truly excellent, of the importance of finding some arena in life to take to the max.  To tell you the truth, I wouldn't have wanted him as a father: such men often put incredible pressure on their children, and sometimes their careers take them far away from home.  But having him as an uncle would have been great.  I mean, this man is in the top .00001% of his field, ever.  Most of us would be happy to be in the top 10%.  Pushing things to that extreme can cost human relationships.  I don't know about that.  What I do know is that thousands of people, all over the world, have been strengthened by his strength, energized by his energy, focused by his focus.  He carries himself as one might hope to see a Samurai Warrior, with grace and dignity and, in motion, the kind of oh-my-God absolute lethality that makes an absolute joke of those who think traditional martial arts are ineffective.  Right.  That's why they've lasted thousands of years.  Because they don't work.
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If it sounds like I was impressed, I was.  And inspired.  And uplifted.  I encourage all of you to seek out the company of such people, whenever you can.  Let your soul learn from them.  They are one of life's true riches.

Steve

Kung fu Hustle (2005)

Wow.  What a great week for movies this has been!  Kung Fu Hustle, the newest film from auteur Steven Chow (Shaolin Soccer) is a mixture of Loony Tunes, martial arts, Marvel comic book mythology, crazed Asian cinema, and surprisingly touching insights into human nature.  It is alternately hilarious, spectacular, violent, beautiful, and even tear-jerking.  The story of a beggar's alley attempting to resist the encroachment of a gang of toughs...well, no, it's not that, it's the story of a young man who has lost his faith in the power of good...well, no, it's a love story...no, it's a redemption story...no, it's a live-action Road Runner cartoon...oh, the hell with it.  On it's own terms, viewed from the perspective of someone who has loved the martial arts and martial arts cinema almost all his life, this action-comedy with outrageous digital effects is as close to a perfect film as I can remember seeing.  Utterly remarkable, but not to every taste.  But hot DAMN I loved it!  I watched the last five minutes with my mouth hanging open, and my daughter says that's the only time she's ever seen me do that.  I'm giving it an "A+"
Just wonderful.

Beauty Shop (2005)

The natural evolution of Ice Cube's "Barber Shop" films, this Queen Latifah vehicle is less hysterical and more leisurely, more traditional but simultaneously more revolutionary.  By cooning less--pandering to stereotypes comfortable to mainstream America (read that just the way you think), it is taking risks.  Showing black Americans as diverse, ambitious, literate (quoting Maya Angelou extensively), musically aware (preferring Bach or Milles Davis to Hip-Hop), sexual and aggressively pursuing their dreams, there is no way in hell this is going to make as much money as Barber Shop, at least partially because the inter-racial relationship is a white woman with a black man, rather than the other way around, and yes, I do think it is just that cut and dried.  but it is an enormously enjoyable 90 minutes at the movies, and the Queen has done a marvelous job of producing an utterly professional piece of work that should appeal to Black audiences, and women of all races.  I even teared up a couple of times.  Good fun, good film.  A solid "B"

By the Way...

We had a heartfelt protest from a reader regarding the ethics of seduction using the methodology I laid out.  I agree that it was a non-optimal aproach. However, I'm telling stories on myself to describe the path I took to get to a particular place in my life. To sort of boil it down:

1) I had to know who I was and where I was going.
2) I had to communicate to a woman that I was interested, but that I didn't NEED her.
3)I had to hold my voice and body language in a congruent, coherant fashion--these things had to be TRUE.
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The ordinary approaches to sex generally take advantage of the Beauty/Power game: men buy dinner, demonstrate their earning power, dangling the possibility that a woman might have access to those resources one day.  Women generally find seduction easy--it's long-term relationships that are more of a challenge.  So they dangle sex out there, then pull it back once the hook is set, demanding more intimacy and commitment.  Is this over-simplification?  OF COURSE IT IS.  Any generallizations about gender are over-simplifications. In fact, any over-simplifications about hman beings are.  But To avoid life devoid of heuristics is as flawed an approach as to approach life completely controlled by them. Anyone who disbelieves that women are, on average, attracted to power simply has no real-world experience.  Anyone who disbelieves that men are, on average, attracted to beauty, is in the same boat.  Is there variation in these models?  Vast.  But when, in Junior High and High school, I started noticing that the most attractive women were gravitating to the most powerful guys, I had only a couple of options:
1) resent women and consider them 'unfair."
2) settle for women less appealing than those I really desired.
3) Decide to cultivate and express my own personal power, so that I could be the equal of one of the gorgeous women who touched my heart.  By the way--beauty to me has less to do with genetics than with discipline, self-love, aesthetic sense, and energy.  I've met VERY few women who could not be beautiful if they chose, or had emotional permission to express themselves in that way.
##
Women think men are unfair for being attracted to beauty.  What a crock.  They make no bones about being attracted to intelligence and power.  Tell me, ladies: what is easier?  For a woman to lose weight, or for a man to increase his intelligence.  Be honest.  Both sides trade what they've got for the best  deal they can get.  It's nature's way, it's our way.  Lie about it if you want. 
##
I've taken my stand on the issue.  What's yours?

Soul Mate Part 5

So here we are. I'd gone right through the energies necessary to attract sex pretty much at will (a new experience for me!) and defined my life path by learning what a woman who touched my heart desired in a life partner. I committed to settling for nothing less thna the best I could get, and also to using nothing less than utterly honest and direct communication to obtain it. I was prepard to be utterly alone the rest of my life, if that was what it took, and I meant it. I was disgusted with myself, and anythign less than the kind of interactions I would want for my daughter, my sister, or my mother.
In other words, I was ready.
##
The next morning coming out of my room, the girl in the next room came out at the same time, and asked me if I was Steven Barnes. When I said yes, she wanted to know if I was going to breakfast. I said yes, and ivited her to join me. I thought she was cute, but didn't really register much beyond that. She turned out to be Tananarive Due (who I had heard a little about. A friend had asked me if I'd heard of her, and described her as "incredibly fine.") I was a little distant and formal, figring that she was a neo-writer who needed a role model. Over the next couple of days I watched her. We watched "Seinfeld" in her room that night, and I was EXTREMELY polite, stayed very carefully on my side ofthe room, was the perfect big brother. What I didn't know was that one of HER friends had told her about me, and that she had seen one of my "Outer Limits" episodes ("A Stitch in Time"--my best) and was intrigued. When I read a few pages from her novel "My Soul To Keep" realized that this was a mature and impressive talent,and decided to help her in any way I could. But it wasn't until I heard her describe how she got Steven King to give her a cover blurb that I really grasped how smart and focused she was. Understanding that somehow freed me to see how attractive I considered her...and I was dead. Jsut dead. Every other woman in the world might as well have vanished at that instant. I saw my entire future unfolding before me. She was fun, a great dancer, had a terrific body, sweet, smart, ambitious, beautiful...hot DAMN she was everything I was looking for. My only task was to let her know I was interested, in no uncertain terms. Then, of course, it would be up to her to judge whether I was what SHE was looking for.
##
My tactic was totally unfair. If I hadn't been serious, it would have been one of the least ethical things I've ever done. I looked around the room, found a woman with a baby, borrowed it, and played with it on the floor right in front of Tananarive. Hah! Believe me, I'd caught her interest. About thirty-six hours later, we were sitting in the Atlanta airport holding hands like a couple of kids, talkign about how we could build an empire together. She had desired and saught a mate, a partner...a lion, as it were? as much as I.
##

More later

Baba Ram Dass

An interesting and important post on the plight of a major spiritual teacher...



http://tracelesswarrior.blogspot.com/

Soul Mate Part 4

After I made my observations, and devised a theory to explain it, I decided on a little experimentation to test the theory. Now, I have to be a bit careful here, because if certain people read this, they might be a bit hurt, so please understand that I’m being oblique.
However, I have to address this, because it is specifically pertinent to the meeting of my soul mate, Tananarive Due.
Here we go.
##
I had been invited to a symposium on the African American Fantastic Imagination, held at Clark Atlanta University. There, all of the black writers involved in science fiction/fantasy: Chip Delaney, Octavia Butler, Jewell Gomez, and someone named Tananarive Due—and I, would be giving a series of talks. I flew in, and on the way, was deep into chewing over the experiences I’d been having in my dating life. What I had done was hold the energetic of “disinterested interest”—a focused appreciation combined with intense focus on my own goals and dreams. It’s hard to describe. You’ll have to read between the lines here. Let’s just say that I hit that conference like a bomb. The support staff was in a tizzy such as I had never really experienced. I had women writing me erotic love poems within minutes of meeting me. I was picking up waitresses while other women were at the table with me, glowering possessively. It was a totally unique experience, and I had enough comparison of other events and conventions to know that this was not normal, not at all.
##
That night, they put me up in a dormitory, and I sat on my bed and thought. I could be REALLY good at this, I thought. I could cut a swath such as I had never experienced before, and frankly, that would be saying something. But a hollowness in my heart told me that that was not for me. I didn’t want just sex. Or just dating. I yearned for something much deeper. Much. In that place, completely confident in my ability to bed just about any woman that I wanted, I grasped that I’d glimpsed an aspect of what women really want from men: strength, direction, self-confidence, an appreciation of their femininity without drooling. This was what differentiated men from just another girl friend. I remember talking to a male friend who was complaining about the fact that women treated him like a buddy. I asked him: “what is it that you have to offer a woman?” “Well, I’m a good listener, a faithful friend, I’m kind, and gentle, and honest.” I had to shake my head. “She can get all of that from one of her girl friends,” I said. “What is it about you that makes you a MAN, that makes her want to take the risk of exposing herself, making herself sexually vulnerable in the way a woman must?” You see, every human being will give the least they can to get the things they need. If a man offers too much of his softness before he has established his strength, he gets put into the ‘friend” category, and may never get out. Conversely, if a woman offers too much of her strength before she demonstrates her softness, she gets put in the “buddy” category, and, again, may never get out.
##
In other words, we want friends who hit our buttons, who complete us in the male-female dyad. And there has to be a little bit of slow revelation involved. We all meet liars in our lives. So we assume that the surface personality isn’t the real one. If you give everything you have initially, the male or female we’re interested in HAS to assume that we aren’t exactly what we appear to be. Any other assumption is suicide: too few people are honest about this stuff. So you have to withhold a bit, pull back, slowly unfold. A man who is too sensitive at first isn’t taken seriously. A woman who is too sexual at first has one hell of a time getting men to take her seriously as well. It isn’t fair, but it’s just the truth.
##
For me, I realized that what I wanted was a partner. Someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone who WOULD grasp who I was even if I was completely honest. Someone who could be my friend, confidant, lover, collaborator in life. And there, from a position of power, feeling that my sexual needs could be filed at anytime, I made a commitment that, if it took me the rest of my life, I would never again be anything less than the most honest person I could be. Unafraid to project both my power and my vulnerability. And I didn’t care that this was contrary to the “game.” And with that commitment, I went to bed.
##
You guys can guess what happened: the very next morning, I met Tananarive.

More later.

Soul Mate Part 3

By the way--some of ya'll ain't gonna like what I say today. Others are thinking I'm giving some formula for picking up girls. Think deeper, people, please.
##
So. Where were we? Yes, I remember. I had used the Beauty/Power axis idea to help me
define my own pathway--that is, I defined the girl of my dreams, with the assumption that
whatever I most deeply aspired to have in my life as a female companion was a mirror to my
own idealized self. A theory worth testing! I found a lady. Call her Hazel. Hazel was
the most devastatingly sexy woman I had ever known, and also smart and sweet and spiritual
and financially stable. She said she wanted a man who had lower body fat than I had at the
time. That's fine--there is probably nothing that says more about you IMMEDIATELY than your body. It speaks of discipline, health, value hierarchies, the way you spend your time and
energy, etc. It is also immediately a turn on or off to the hindbrain. She also wanted
someone with deeper spiritual commitments. During the last months trying to work things out
with my wife, I had tried to hard to please her (or so I thought) that I had lost sight of
myself. Always a mistake. I'd stopped meditating. So I started running again, watched my
diet a bit more (a sign of self-respect) and meditated more. Hazel and I started seeing
each other--I'd fly out to Arizona to see her. But there was a problem: the sweeter to her
I was,the faster she backed away, until finally she broke things off. Hmm. Well, I decided
to take a step back. What if, I thought, everything I thought I knew about womenwas dead
wrong? What if the years I'd spent out of the dating circuit had clouded my judgement? I
had a convention coming up in Seattle, and I made a decision: I was goin to attend that
convention as if I was an anthropologist from Mars. Completely suspend everything I thought
I knew--empty my cup,as it were, and just watch. What might I see?
##
So I went to Norwescon at the Seatac Red Lion Inn, and did my panels, taught Tai Chi, but
at every other moment I just watched. Not just the fans, but all of the travelers coming in
and out. And after two days I started seeing a pattern that I never wouldhave believed,
something so incredibly politically incorrect that I had to shake my head. And the
observation, whether you want to agree with it or not, went something like this:THE MORE BEAUTIFUL A WOMAN WAS, THE MORE LIKELY SHE WAS TO BE WITH A GUY WHO IGNORED HER.

What? I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. If a guy was fawning all over a girl, she
was likely to be only moderately good looking. The really gorgeous ones seemed to be with
guys who barely noticed they were there. I just couldn't believe it.
##
I sat back and thought. Well, the dysfunctional aspects of that were obvious, but I asked
myself another question: what if there was a healthy aspect? What if there was an
unexpected explanation that was healthy, and smart,and made perfect sense of it all? I dug
into my understanding of sociobiology and biological determinism and came up with a theory.
And the theory was this: a healthy, beautiful woman aware of her power is like a lioness. A
lioness needs to be with a lion. Predators have their eyes mounted in front, to stalk prey.
It is herbavores who have eyes mounted to the side, to watch out for attacks. So...to a
lioness, a man paying too much attention to her triggers one of two responses:
1) he is an herbavore, afraid of me.
2) He is a hunter, looking to kill or exploit me.
##
If he is another lion, then they are a mated pair, hunting together. His attention is NOT
upon her, it is on where he is going, what he is intending. Now, I'm quite sure that when
they are in private he gives her all the attention she needs. But in public? They are
hunting. Their attention is on the environment.
##
I decided to test my theory. I looked until I foudn the most beautiful woman at the
convention. She was being chatted up by two guys, and had been for almost an hour. I
interposed myself between one of the guysand her, and began to talk to the guys. With my
back to the lady. After about ten minutes, I turned, looked her in the eye, said "I find you
VERY attractive" and then turned and continued my conversation. I walked away. She followed me around for the rest of the convention. like a little puppy.
##
I couldn't believe it. It made such sense of Hazel. She didn't want to know more about how
attracted I was to her. She KNEW that. Seh wanted to know who I was, where I was going,
what I was goin to make of myself in the world. Was I hunter enough to provide for her
cubs, in other words. Was I what I seemed to be? Or another of the endless predatory males
she had had to defend herself from over the years. From the way I had come across, I was a
sucker, or a liar who would hurt her. Damn, damn, damn. I had neglected to learn the
language she spoke, and blew a wonderful chance to be with an extraordinary woman. The next step was to test my theory, and then, if it proved out, to figure out what the hell to do with the knowledge now that I had it.

More later...

Sin City (2005)

Well, I am now convinced that Robert Rodriguez is a certified genius, and I don't use that
word lightly. The guy has pulled one hell of a rabbit out of his hat: a film that is
profane, incredibly violent, sexy, heartbreaking, funny, 2-dimensional, universal,and eye-
poppingly groundbreaking, unlike anything you have ever seen before. A literal translation
of comic icon Frank Miller's "Sin City" series of hard-boiled graphic novels, it takes Micky
Spillane, cross-breeds it with Quentin Tarantino (a Rodriguez buddy, who directs a scene in
the film), adds a stellar cavalcade of top-flight talent who MUST have worked for scale,
resurrects the career of Mickey Roarke, and establishes a new genre: the graphic novel film.
THIS is the most literal translation of a comic book to ever grace the screen, three inter
-locking stories set in "Basin City", a cesspool of sex and violence in which only
individual acts of sacrifice and honor have any hope of redeaming the lost and desperate
souls within it. I won't go too deeply into the stories, except to say that the first,
starring Mickey Roark as the unkillable death machine Marv, based on "The Hard Goodbye", is
the best. A rock-em, sock-'em oh-my-god-did-you-see-that kind of story, insanely violent
and over the top, and ultimately the strangest love story I've seen in years. Marv, in his
attempt to avenge the murder of a prostitute who was kind to him for a night, is somehow
reminescent of the Fantastic Four's Benjamin Grimm, an invulnerable broken heart of a
wounded Knight Errant, finally finding a crusade worthy of his physical and emotional
depths. Wow. Be warned: not for the faint of heart, pushing the "R" rating with a cinematic
bulldozer. What a great time at the movies! A solid, solid "A", only the indifferent
casting of Clive Owen keeping it from being an "A+" Wow. See it.

Soul Mate Part 2

So. When last we met, I was an emotional wreck after the dissolution of my marriage. I
realized mty marriage was doomed. I'd decided to make a list of everything I wanted in a
woman, then to find the woman who came the closest to what I had on that list--whether she
was married or not, sit her down, and ask her what she wanted in a man.
Fortunately, I knew a woman who fit the bill. She was sexy, smart, spiritual, kind, sweet,
incredibly beautiful, financially successful, and...did I say sexy? Truth be told, she was
arguably the sexiest woman I had ever known. She lived in Arizona, and I was heading out
that way to do some research on my upcoming novel "Charisma." So, on New Years Day, 1996, I
sat her down in a restaurant and said: "I think you are spectacular, and I would really like
to know what kind of man you want in your life." As it happened, my timing was GREAT--she
was just coming to the end of a relationship. So over the next few months we saw each
other, and I was able to extract from her the list of what she was looking for. To my shock,
there wasn't a huge gap between what she was looking for, and what I was. Two things stuck
out:
1) She wanted a man with more of a spiritual base. I thought about that, and realized that I
had stopped meditating.
2) She wanted a man with a harder, more defined body. Believe me, her own body was and is spectacular. She had every right to demand quality. I realized that I had stopped running
since moving to the Northwest.
##
What this meant is that I had defined a direction for re-claiming myself. Remember:he point
of the exercise was NOT to get a woman. And certainly not to fall in love with miss X (
although I did love her, and had great fun while we were dating--but more on that later).
The point was to get clear on where I had failed myself, stepped off my path. The theory is
that if I got back on my path, everything else would clear up.
##
Well, weirdness ensued. I noticed that the more open and honest and caring and sharing with
her I was, the more distant she got. It was bizarre: I had never dealt with anything quite
like it before. Finally, during a trip to Los Angeles in March to celebrate my birthday,
she broke things off with me. I was devastated. Where had I gone wrong? I brooded about
that, and a few weeks later had another break-through...

More later.

Triangle Goal Setting

Triangle Goals

In yoga this morning, there were a few moments when I was totally drained, just rolled over onto my back during rest periods, and tried to remember to breathe. At those moments, I visualized my triangle: breathing, motion, and alignment. My pulse steadied. Not only was I regaining my physical equilibrium, but simultaneously reinforcing my goals as well.
Why? Because when I meditate, I use the SAME symbol, a triangle, but then I think about my goals in the arenas of body, mind and spirit. This is what might be called “loading the triangle”, creating deeper and deeper attachments to a simple geometrical design. When you then concentrate on visualizing the symbol under stress, you are imprinting your goals deeply into the subconscious. Every breath becomes another connection to the purpose of your life. Luckily, there are many, many core concepts of life that can break down into three parts. For example:
1) body, mind, spirit
2) Base, angle, leverage (silat)
3) Confirming, denying, reconciling (Sufism)
4) Character, plot, theme (writing)

By taking them into consideration during your morning meditation, and then visualizing your triangle under physical stress, you are creating a unique and powerful link. Let’s see…how might we connect this with the Five Minute Miracle? Wait…wait…I’m sure I can think of something…

Accelerate Training

For the last five days I've been doing the kind of thing I do about twice a year: taking a training of some kind, pushing my edge. This time it was at the encouragement of my old friend David Gerrold, taking the Accelerate Training, which I initially figured would be a kind of "est Lite." That estimation wasn't incredibly wrong, but on the other hand, it took me by surprise with the depth of the heart-space explored during the workshop, which went form Wednesday to Sunday. I watched some truly impressive transformational work going on in that room. The most impressive thing, to me, was the depth of the commitment of the assistants, who really, honestly gave a crap about the lives and hearts of the participants. I have a high level of respect for what I saw there, and although I chose not to go deeper into their process, I can think of several people who might get good benifit out of it. Good stuff folks. Consider their collection of exercises and observations to be a mental/emotional gymnasium. I think most in that room came out feeling considerably more toned. And I think they're right.

Finding your Soulmate

This is an intensely personal story--it could hardly get more personal, actually. Because of that, I am going to take the liberty to change some names and obscure some information: while I feel perfectly comfortable telling stories on myself, I have no right to broach the privacy of others.
##
About nine years ago, my marriage to my first wife, Toni, Nicki's mom, hit a wall. We'd both made mistakes, we each paid for them in different ways. They added up to an untenable situation. For almost two years I tried to make things work, and finally ran out of gas. I mean, I completely crashed and burned.For the first time in memory, I didn't even know who I was any more. Or what I wanted. Or what to do. I was utterly numb.
##
The wall ha been hit between Thanksgiving and Christmas, the anniversary of my mother's death, and always a tough period for me. This just made things a lot worse. But I decided to give myself a week to come up with an answer, to decide what direction to move in. Many of you might have noticed how much easier it is to solve other people's problems, so I used that approach: What would I say if one of my students came to me with this problem?
##
The Beauty-Power axis clearly states that our relationships are mirrors. Hmmm. I had said for years that our relationships say a lot about us. Hmmm. So I thought one of the smartest things, perhaps THE single smartest thing I ever thought: "I don't know who I am right now. But I know what I am attracted to. So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to make a list of everything I'm attracted to. I am going to describe the perfect woman, without any compromises. Her beauty, intelligence, sensuality, warmth, emotional health, spiritual centeredness...everything. EVERYTHING my deepest heart desires. Then, I am going to go out and find the woman who comes the closest to what I've described--whether she's married or not (!), sit her down, and ask her what she wants in a man. If I've made my description carefully enough, and chosen carefully enough, whatever she describes is what I want to be--because, in my heart of hearts, what I want is to be a man who hcan have a woman like THAT. And we can have anything that we mirror."
##
Needless to say, one of the most frightening things I've ever done, as well. What if she just wanted a billionaire? Well, then, she doesn't really match what I had on the list, now would she? A woman attracted to a man with ambition, intelligence and success is onething. But to put a dollar amount on it was another. So I quieted my fears and put my plan into action...

More later.