One division of animal species is pertinent to human behavior, especially when it comes to finding lasting love.
"Tournament" species and "Pair Bonding" species are very different in sexual behavior. "Tournament" species males and females have a low threshold of sexual activity: males will jump on anything, as frequently as possible. "Tournament" females will mate with a variety of different males, demanding little fidelity or investment of resources. Needless to say, the "Tournament" males don't stick around to raise the kids--it simply doesn't make sense in terms of energy investment.
"Pair Bonded" species, on the other hand, have more elaborate mating rituals. Males and females are far pickier. They pay attention to the behavior of their prospective mates, selecting for those who will make good parents, and stick around to raise the kids. Such species include those who mate for life, and engage in far less "cheating." Females insist on males building nests, providing protein, and exhibiting the capacity to bond to and raise children.
Now...it is quite tempting to ask what happens if we apply these two categories to human beings. Humans, clearly, have the ability to go either way on this one. I recently monitored a series of Facebook exchanges by women who are disenchanted with the males in their lives, considering men a waste of time. They proposed simply getting pregnant, and "raising the next generation of men" themselves, to create the kind of men they want.
Right. Men raised by women without the slightest capacity to find bonded relationships, and are hostile toward men. Who are, in essence, deluded. Imagine how delighted I'd be if I heard a group of men, unhappy with women, hatching a plot to adopt girl-children to raise "the next generation of women" according to their own twisted needs. The horror. The horror.
That is all the dysfunction anyone could ever want to find. And even if you aren't interested in having kids, the lesson is clear: if you want to find lasting love, it would seem non-optimal to behave like a member of the Tournament tribe. Our hindbrains aren't good at fine distinctions. That means that males who push for sex rapidly, who jump from partner to partner, and have previous children they aren't engaged in raising are BAD choices if you want a lasting love, girls.
And I hate to say this, but those women who jump in and out of bed quickly, who insist on being "just as sexually aggressive as men" and have had trouble implementing birth control are simply RADIATING "Tournament" tribe. While there are exceptions to such rules, it suggests some pretty simple rules if what you're looking for is a long-term relationship.
Tananarive and I did a LOT of work before finding each other. She made a commitment not to become intimate with a man who didn't love her, who wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I hadn't gone quite that far--but I clearly remember the night before we met. I had had the "best" day of my life in terms of attracting women. I was in the groove, firmly in the Tournament Tribe vibe. I can't put this delicately: women were falling all over themselves, giving me their phone numbers, writing me love poems within an hour of meeting them.
It was amazing. I'd hit a Vibe I'd been looking for my whole life, and it terrified me. I could see the void opening to swallow me, the very void Oscar Brown Jr. wrote about in his life-saving song "Ladie's Man""
"Back as a boy, I longed to be
The fella women loved to see
and have them all consider me
A Ladie's Man..."
And this verse led inevitably to the morose:
"What tricky trade might I have tried
Had I not laid preoccupied
But then, who's ever satisfied
A Ladie's Man..."
My dear friend Gordon Lewis played this song for me when I was about 22. Only took me 25 years to grasp the truth of it.
Oh, yeah. An infinite succession of conquests...to no end at all. And in my lonely room, I literally dropped to my knees and prayed. I knew that this was not what I wanted. What I wanted was a partner, a help-mate, someone I could really be myself with, reveal my deepest essence.
And I could feel, right then and there, that the only way I would ever find it is if I was willing to wait my whole life, if necessary. And I meant it. And never had a chance to find out just exactly what that meant, in behavior...because the very next morning, I met Tananarive.
Choose tribes, people. Be sure you'll be happy with the results...and make your choice.