Beauty and Power thoughts

My discussions of the "Beauty-Power Axis" and the way it relates to the Soulmate Process always kicks up dust, and that amuses me. What does NOT amuse me is the fact that it obviously triggers pain, anger, a sense of loss and powerlessness, and more. If I could push a button and change that, I would--if it didn't throw off serious evolutionary patterns. It is certainly not my intent for anyone to "feel like a loser"--unless, by THEIR definitions, they ARE a
loser, and that realization motivates them to take the kinds of actions to bring their life into greater alignment with their
values and beliefs. I wanted to address a few things in connection with this.

1) I'm not saying that I think this pattern of human behavior is good. Just that it is an observable truth that, by a given culture's definitions of "beauty" and "power" the groups of men and women possessing these things gravitate toward each other. This is like saying water runs downstream. Does that mean that you can't carry water upstream? Or swim against the tide? Or boil water into vapor or freeze it? No. But if you don't understand the simple physics of the situation, it's harder to figure out how to get the results you want. If you don't understand gravity, it is much harder to fly.

2) Do I think this is more unfair to women than to men? No, I don't. I'm perfectly aware that many women think it is, but frankly, I find their arguments illogical. Women by this measure are at their most powerful when they are young (of child-bearing age), while men are at their most powerful when they are old. Quite an irony THERE, eh? It would be just as fair to say that this is "unfair to older women" as it would be to say its "unfair to young men." But the power within the set called "Women" doesn't change because you shift power from one group of women to another--the amount of power remains constant within "Women" just as it does within "Men." I mean, remember that those older women used to BE younger women, so that if there is advantage conferred to said group, they got it years ago. And if they didn't, other women
did. So the power doesn't leave the group "women." And those young, cannon-fodder men grow older and
amass power...so the power in the group "old men" is still power in the group "Men." Note that when older women complain about men their age dating young women, I have NEVER, NOT ONCE heard those older women blaming the younger women for "stealing their men." No, what I hear is them blaming the older men for being attracted to younger women. Well, that would be honest...if women would give up their interest in wealthy, powerful men. Gee, when do you think that will happen? And do you really think it takes more time per day for a woman to preserve her beauty than for a man to preserve his power? Really? I've personally never known a woman who spent more than, say, 2-3 hours a day working on her beauty (and I considered that
pretty pathological) whereas men and women working 10-12 hour days to build wealth is relatively commonplace (if also pathological). Be fair: men and women beat the living hell out of each other in the mating game, and pointing fingers helps no one.

3) Am I saying these tendencies are universal and immutable? Hell, no. I say they are a tendency, sort of like "calories in/calories out" in weight control. Until you are sure that you've got this basic equation under control, don't search for fancy alternative reasons like allergies, gland problems, etc. If a man is attracted to women who, by cultural standards, is quite beautiful, while he, by the same cultural standards, has no power...he does himself no favor by ignoring this fact. Or in screaming that women are trivial and superficial.

4) Aren't these standards superficial? Yes and no. Wealth isn't superficial. Try being broke and homeless and see just how fast "trivial" money becomes a matter of life and death. Wealth is a hedge against destitution. A woman who mates with a man without considering if he brings resources to the table is doing her potential children no favors. Can't he at least have a stable job, one that he likes enough that he doesn't come home angry every day? Quite true that some chase wealth for its own sake, to the level of imbalance. That would be kinda like being an anoerexic, wouldn't it? Beauty standards around the world have as universal principles only two things that I know of: signs of fertility (body fat, hip-to-breast ratios, "youthful" appearance, etc.) and immune system health (clear skin, bright eyes, good posture, etc.). Most other signs of "beauty" are culturally bound...as are signs of "power" of course.

5) Why does this trigger so much anger? Well, I can only come from my own frame of reference, and from that frame of reference, "Anger is a mask over fear." What would the fear be for men? That they have no power, that they will never have access to the beautiful, smooth-skinned, shapely women they hold in their dreams. Or women who fear that their youthful beauty has flown, and that they can no longer compete with younger women for secure and stable men. God, do you expect me to mock that? Or mock a woman who dreams of a man who can support the household so she can stay home with her children? Or live with grace and luxury? There is nothing at all wrong with these dreams, so long as they
are approached with integrity, honesty, and a certain sense of humor. I remember very very clearly when the women in my high school let me know that I was not sufficiently powerful to attract the most "beautiful" of them. It was glaringly obvious that the most popular guys and girls gravitated toward each other. I could have done several things
a) ignored my own observations
b) resented women for being "shallow"
c) examined my own standards of "beauty."
d) decide to become powerful by my own standards, and trust that there would be women who agreed.

"c" was certainly my first approach. If I wanted people to overlook the fact that I wasn't "powerful" in a traditional sense, I had to be willing to find women attractive who were not "beautiful" in a traditional sense. Fair is fair. But if I DID crave women who were "beautiful" in the traditional sense, I saw the game I would have to play. And I decided to play it. Remember: I don't believe in talent. I believe in hard focused honest work over time.

I would say that the percentage of women who CAN NOT be beautiful (by cultural standards) and the percentage of men who CAN NOT be powerful (by cultural standards) is roughly equivilent. It is well known that women are, on average, attracted to men they consider more intelligent than themselves. Excuse me, but is anyone out there going to suggest that it's easier for a man to increase his intelligence than it is for a woman to lose weight or improve her makeup, hair, and mode of dress? We play these games with each other, and they are unfair to either side.

6) Am I saying beautiful, powerful people have the best relationships? Yes and absolutely no. Certainly, marriages fall apart over money issues faster than ANYTHING else. So lack of power certainly makes nothing better. I fail to see how a perception of "ugliness" helps anything. So it could easily be said that the best and most successful marriages are those in which the partners find one another beautiful and powerful, by their own standards. Those standards
need not match the external social standards at all. Beauty could be a quality of posture, voice, movement, conduct or spirit. And so can power.

7) But...and this is a BIG but...if you are in the mating dance, much of what we initially know about people we learn at a visual distance. Across a crowded room, we see a member of the opposite sex (as I've said, I don't have much idea how this maps over to gay relationships) and have to choose a dancing partner. Men will, on average, approach the most beautiful (by his own standards) woman that he has the nerve to approach. Women will check out a man's shoes and clothes (I have heard this countless times from women, all my life) to make a snap decision about whether she should invest more time in him. Now...AFTER the initial contact is made, they can be laughing, talking, getting to know each other. If you
work or go to school with someone, or live next door to them or are sitting next to them on a plane flight, you go more deeply. Begin to suss out personality characteristics, etc. And if you LIKE the person, you know what? They start looking more attractive to you. But in a world of snap decisions? Bet on making a good first impression from across the room.

If you honestly believe you do not have these external qualities? And do not believe you can acquire them (or the idea of cultivating them is distasteful) then position yourself somewhere where people have a chance to get to know you. Over time, as they enjoy your personality more, your external characteristics will mean less. Schools, churches, social clubs, etc...all have this potential. The internet has been a blessing for those insecure in this arena. You can meet people and bond before they ever see you or your circumstances. And if they connect? They will automatically find you more "attractive." I had a woman say: "well, that's all well and good, but what if you were a woman who had her face burned off in a fire? What in the hell does she do?"

I suggested that if I were that woman, I'd get a job at the Braille Institute. She was aghast.
Hey, I'm just sayin'.

8) I think that there are lots of reasons why this whole thing is considered upsetting. We would like to think that our hearts have infinite value. And so they do. And so do everyone else's. That kinda cancels itself out, and we're left with mundane and quantifiable characteristics. Like I've said--until women start apologizing for being attracted to money and intelligence, it's kind of hypocritical to be upset that men are attracted to fertility and secondary sexual characteristics. ITS NOT FAIR TO ANYONE. IT'S NOT UNFAIR TO ANYONE. It just "is." The gentleman who said that he felt like a loser--God, I'm really sorry about that. If by that you mean that you can't attract the women you are actually attracted to...ouch.

9) So what am I saying to men who cannot, or do not currently, attract the women they are REALLY attracted to? Or women who cannot, or do not currently, attract the men they are REALLY attracted to? Well...several choices.
a) Sit on your resentment. Get sour. Harbor a secret grudge toward the man or woman in your life, saying to yourself "I could have done better" or far worse, hating your life.
b) Go unconscious. Bury your real feelings that you "could have done better." c) Be alone, and increasingly bitter that no one sees "the real you" and that men/women are so superficial.
d) Change your definitions of beauty and power: if you believe someone should look past the externals to the "real you" you have the responsibility of being able to look past someone ELSE'S exterior to see "the real them." Learn to see past flesh to spirit, and laugh at the children still caught in the external aspects of the "mating game." After all...a man actually in love with a beautiful woman stays with her through Chemotherapy, even if she loses her "beauty." And a woman in love with a self-made millionaire stays with him through bankruptcy. We're talking about what attracts, not what
holds together.

What you MUST have to be happy in life is a life where your goals, beliefs, and values are in alignment with your actions. If you really think that the qualities of "beauty" and "power" are superficial, then you can laugh, or be saddened, by our cultural obsession with both. But if my words trigger anger or fear...that's different. That's not spiritual evolution on your part--that's denial.
e) My favorite choice. Get very, very clear on what constitutes beauty or power to you. For me, it is definitely "what did you do with what you were given?" rather than "did you win the genetic lottery?" A woman of spectacular genetic beauty is like a man married into a wealthy family. Both exist, but the majority of rich and beautiful people, I honestly believe, are that due to efforts of will. There are many, many ways to get rich or be considered powerful--as many as there are social fabrics and individuals with opinions. The same is true of beauty. There are many, many different ways to be beautiful. If you are beautiful in a non-traditional way, your easiest course is to find a man who is powerful in
a non-traditional way. Then, relish your lack of tradition and laugh at the plebes.
But if you like the traditional measures of beauty and power, then move in their direction. As you do, embrace your humanity, maturity, mortality, gifts and limitations. As you move toward your goal, you will develop enormous compassion for others along the same path. If you truly, deeply, love yourself despite the fact that you aren't the most "powerful" or "beautiful," if you get the joke, can laugh at life and still move forward...guess what? You will find someone who is moving forward at the same rate you are. Who is at the same place in his/her life that you are in yours. And if you really, honestly, see the beauty in your own heart despite your failings and imperfections, the beauty in your potential partner's soul will shine like a star. And the two of you will be able to walk together in life.

But don't ask others to see past more imperfections than you are willing to forgive. That is dishonest.