Ending a 4x7, and a Student's excellent concerns

I may have finally completed designing my workout program. Hell, I've only been working at it for twenty years. But a couple of pieces fell into place last week...and I really like what happened. But I'm also at the end of a 4x7 cycle, bordering "Overtrained", and need to take four days off before beginning the next cycle. So...I'll talk more about what I'm doing in a few weeks. In general, though, I push one day and recover the next. I use Yoga for recovery, and like that just fine.
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One of my students wrote me this morning. She is about to enter the PhD program at a major university, but is dealing with some emotional issues that could taint the experience. I chose to remove her identifying comments and address the concerns publicly. Here goes...

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(From the Student)

I'm writing because I realize that unless I create and become whatever I aspire or vision, then my life/world in XX will be much the same here: constant depression (in spite of all the accolades and presentations and blessings I receive), loneliness, despair, and abysmally low self concept and image. In fact, I imagine leaving the cold comfort familiarity and being around people who at the very least LOOK like me may exacerbate my struggle... whew. Yeah, this whole PhD is MORE than a notion.

That being said, I have 2 questions for you:

1) How do I make/hold myself accountable for my own progress ?

I have started innumerable "self help" therapies and regiments...but i rarely stick with them for more than a week. maybe 2. I begin to see the sunshine and I head for the hills...invariably the storm clouds come again...

Because i've become so isolated from EVERYONE, I realize that I can't depend on anyone to help me through this process. There's no one who's going to call on me and see if I'm following through. The responsibility falls completely and squarely on ME to monitor and check my progress....

2) What does forgive and forget LOOK like?

my mother, who i've been estranged from for my entire adult life and even before lives in XX (near the school). She learned third hand that I'd be attending XX, a 10 minute walk from her apartment. Although we rarely if ever speak, she emailed and expressed her anger and hurt (which I understood) that I hadn't told her. She's a wonderful woman, but a severely addicted alcoholic. This does nothing to help us repair our relationship, but a part of me feels that maybe i should just show up and kidnap her, forcing or staging an intervention and get her into treatment. The reason we don't talk is because she is a monstrously guilty (and guilt inducing) and self-deprecating person when she drinks, which is whenever she's not at work. I keep saying I've forgiven everything, yet I have no desire to be around her or to talk to her, even though i KNOW it must hurt her.... She says that when she's ready to stop drinking she will... I don't know.

Well, I know this was a lot...any suggestions as far as readings, web sites, or just advice would be great. I think i'll also peruse Dar Kush, I bet I can find some relevant wisdom and suggestions there...

best,

s
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STEVE'S ANSWER
S.--First let me express my respect for your honesty and insight. I will answer to the best of my abilities. Remember that Dar Kush is, in general, a venting of my own conscious or unconscious "stuff" and an examination of the interaction of the Chakras and the Hero's Journey. I speak from that perspective, and as long as you agree to accept my limitations as a given, I will comment on what I see in your situation.
1) How do you make yourself accountable for your progress? First, BY SAYING SO. Start with the declaration, said out loud and perhaps written on a banner and placed in your bedroom or office: "If it's to be, it's up to me." Other strong statements are "I'll do WHATEVER IT TAKES" or "1% a Week". Such statements, written, spoken, and considered daily, help to balance the negative voices in our heads.
2) Aim at health in all three aspects: body, mind, spirit. What does this look like? An energizing physical regimen, something that gets you sweating and re-aligns the spine and joints. A combination of hill walking and yoga could work fine. Intensity and recovery. That's the cycle you're looking for. Weight workout one day, stretch the next. Push, and check in to see how you feel. In terms of mind, a daily examination of your goals, and the benefits you will gain by reaching them. In terms of spirit, I strongly suggest a meditation/prayer program.
3) The Hero's Journey suggests that the Dark Night of the Soul is an absolutely unavoidable part of the process of moving from one level of life to another. In other words, it is COMPLETELY predictable that you will get distracted, depressed, angry, sad, whatever. The way through this is either
a) belief in yourself
b) trusted friends
c) prayer

I would suggest working on all three. If you are isolated, drop us a line here at Dar Kush, or over on the message board. We care, sweetie.
How can you check your progress? If you miss meditation or exercise sessions, you can bet that your demons are creeping on you. Watch yourself get too "busy" or "tired" or "distracted" to take care of yourself. Remember, the process starts with as little as Five Minutes a Day...five 60-second breathing/meditation breaks. ANYONE who says they don't have time for this is just lying. It's utter bullshit. This is one of the ways you can tell if your distractions are real: if you do the Five Minutes, but not more...MAYBE you're just really busy. But if you miss the Five Minutes...YOUR DEMONS ARE WINNING. It is time to ask for help.

Self-Image is a tough one, and it is best peeled back a layer at a time. Maxwell Maltz's wonderful "Psycho-Cybernetics" deals with the difficulty of change when your self-image is negative. Visualization exercises can help here. I like to sit upright, first thing in the morning, and feel my heartbeat. When I have that anchored strongly, I visualize the RESULTS I desire in all three major areas of life. Then I see myself where I currently am in all three arenas, and visualize a path of light leading from where I am to where I want to go. If the thread of light is strong and bright, cool! If it is dark and cloudy...I need more work.
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2) What does "Forgive and Forget" look like? It looks like bullshit. Forgive, yes. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. To understand and love yourself is to understand and love all other beings. To go beyond the Self is to see that we all arise from the same ocean of life. But to Forget is very different. If someone is sick, they can sneeze on you and infect you. Nothing personal...but you're still dead. Your mother is damaged, sweetie. Alcohol creates literal changes in brain structure. Imagine that your Mom is still her original pure and loving spirit. But "the flesh" filters her message, creates static, so that she is like a radio station broadcasting on bad equipment. The lady in the studio is trying to communicate, but her microphone, amplifier, antenna, etc. are screwed up. Worse, there is a storm creating interference. Even worse, your own equipment has some bugs. Small wonder that communication is difficult.

She loves you, but cannot help hurting you. She is stuck in a dark and frightening place: if she could do better, she would.
The MOST important thing you can do for her is HAVE A GOOD LIFE. Excel. Contribute to the world. REGARDLESS OF ANYTHING SHE EVER SAYS, she loves you more than life itself, and if she believes that her own weaknesses have harmed you, she will HATE herself. She needs to see you succeed, to know that she created something good in the world, that she was able, in even the smallest way, to shelter you from the demons that chew at her. If you can do this, walk in your beauty and power, you are giving her the greatest gift possible: HOPE.

Do not try to save her. Save yourself, and love yourself...and then love your mom. Without question. Without compromise. If she screams and yells and says terrible things, it's all a jumbled version of the following six words: "I love you, and I'm terrified." EVERYTHING negative she says is some translation of these six words. Never take it personally, any more than a cancer victim vomiting on your shoes. She's sick, not evil, and not "right."

You are a loving, brilliant, lovely young lady: I know, I had the honor of having you in the Path workshop. You are dedicated to making the world a better place, and to fighting with the demons within. That makes you a fellow traveler, darling. I love you, I really do. Because I love myself, and I see you in me, and myself in you. Our struggles are the same.

So, to close this:
1) Declare yourself an adult. You are responsible for your life. Write and re-write this, or find other ways of expressing it. Write it on a 3x5 card and carry it with you. Look at it every morning. Think about it during meditation.
2) Spend 5 minutes a day MINIMUM breathing and thinking about your goals in all three arenas. One minute every three hours.
3) Work your way up to a "Golden Hour" of planning, meditation, exercise, visualization. But NEVER fall below five minutes.
4) Accept that you will fail and fall on your face, and that despair will rise to gnash at you. This is totally normal, and is actually a sign that you're heading in the right direction. Want to never fail? Play tic-tac-toe with a three year old: you'll win or draw every time. Want to play in the big leagues? Better put on your shoulder pads. Line up your resources. Get ready for bruises. That's just the way life is. If you can make contact with the part of yourself that enjoys a good, tough game...you can get through life with a sense of humor and perspective. If there is any part of yourself that thinks that life is supposed to be "easy" or "fair"...you're in trouble. Life isn't fair. It isn't unfair. It just is. Life doesn't give a shit about your hopes and dreams--and that's the GOOD news. That means that the world will not go out of its way to stop you from being happy.
5) Heartbeat meditation can be a great way of making contact with the pure and loving spirit within you. Because the heartbeat is autonomic, you can nurture a sense of wonder at the little machine beating away millions of times a year to keep you alive. It is a little miracle. And when you relax enough, you can feel it from your scalp to your toes. The rhythm of life, hammering away.
6) Address change at the rate of about 1% per week. Just find one little way to be happier, healthier, more forgiving, more loving, more efficient...every week. It adds up fast.
7) Don't forget that we're here. The community at Dar Kush has been excellent at discussing volatile, intimate, and difficult subjects with compassion, open eyes, and humanity. Never hesitate to bring your concerns to us. You'll never be turned away.

Steve