The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter

Saturday, August 02, 2008

When the Lover is Ready...

Wow! So busy yesterday I forgot to mention that August 1, 2008 was my tenth anniversary with Tananarive. She is absolutely the love of my life, and my perfect partner.

We had such a narrow window of opportunity to find each other. I was living in Washington state, and she, in Miami. We'd each gone through a massive amount of internal work preparing ourselves to find a partner. Such work involved, variously, therapy, meditation, self-discovery, journaling, and more. I believe in love, and that each of us, if we wish, can find a deep and lasting connection with another human being, one we can cherish and who cherishes us, who supports us without reservation, and is prepared, and willing, to be one of our better angels. There is an old saying: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I have a corollary to that: "When the lover is ready, the beloved will appear."

Somehow, we recognized each other, and within 48 hours after meeting realized that we had to take a chance to be together, that the potential was simply too wonderful. In maybe two months one or the other of us would have met someone else: we were both ripe. It was a minor miracle.

On my own part, the most important things that prepared me for this were:

1) Convincing myself, totally and permanently, that I could get laid any time I wanted, and with the quality of lady I'd always desired. All insecurity about this was just gone, due to some very specific energetic work I'd done. Frankly, it was spooky how good I was getting at attracting women. I realized I could be a REALLY good Lothario, and realized that wasn't me at all. That what I wanted, more than anything in the world, was a friend and partner, someone I could just be myself with. And I was willing to be celibate until I found her.

2) I had made a very clear list of all the attributes I wanted in a woman, without ANY compromises at all. Then I did one of the two or three smartest, most courageous things I've ever done: I found a woman who measured up to that list (a dancer in Phoenix) and sat her down, asking her what SHE wanted in a man. What she described became my road map. I compared what she said with what I currently was--subtracted who I was, and what remained was what I had to become in order to attract a woman at her level. As soon as I began working in that direction, everything changed.

BTW--what were the differences? 1) she wanted a man with more of a spiritual life than I had at the time. I realized I'd stopped meditating, and promptly began again.

2) She wanted someone with less body fat than I carried at the time. I realized I'd stopped running, and began again.

As soon as I did both, it was as if I began "vibrating" at a different level, and women began reacting to me differently.

I have no idea how I came up with that, what I now call the "Soulmate Process". Thank God I did. Another piece was realizing that the kind of woman I wanted was a lioness. She would be satisfied with nothing less than a lion. That meant that I had to be a hunter, and project that energy. I couldn't be focused on finding a woman--what a lion hunts, he kills. So I had to cultivate an attitude of "intense but slightly distant" if you know what I mean. Once I found the right balance, the effect was absolutely devastating.

And then, I had to be willing to cast it aside, and just be myself. But without absolute confidence, and a real commitment to doing Whatever It Took to find a genuine heart connection, without a speck of bullshit, and be prepared to wait my entire life if necessary...while simultaneously working every damned day to be the perfect partner for that imaginary woman of my wouldn't have happened.

Don't compromise. Decide what you want. Find out what it will cost. Commit to paying the price. And the price is passion, and commitment, and self-love, and self-respect, and honesty.

Ten years. And it's gotten better every year.

I believe we can all have this, if we are just willing to actually reveal ourselves.


Anonymous said...

Happy Anniversary Steve and Tananarive!!!!


Anonymous said...

It's always beautiful to hear about a love like you two have. Congrats, and best wishes for many, many more years together!

Steve Perry said...

Go on, it can't be ten years!?

My, how time flies when you are getting old ...

Orion said...

Happy Aluminum year!

Aluminum. What were they thinking? And yet, I like the luminous root in that metal. And the connections with flight, and electricity, and human discovery.

I hope your marriage continues to be blissful and glorious, at least as if not more than the past ten years you've spent together.

Anonymous said...

I love the last sentence in this post. All of us would be well advised to "reveal" ourselves in our relationships.

Mike R said...

Congrats! I'm almost at the three year anniversary of when I first met my wife, myself. 3 down, 67 more to go. ;)

Unknown said...

happy anniversary ... i appreciate that for real.

a true inspiration.

its funny because i did not find out until last year that you guys were married.

congrats and keep up the good work

Marty S said...

Happy Anniversary! Keep them coming

Josh Jasper said...

Congratulations. Happy anniversary!

Anonymous said...

Happy Anniversary Guys!


Pagan Topologist said...

Yes, Happy Anniversary, Steve and Tananarive!

It must be a wonderful head trip to come to believe that one could be so successful at finding sex partners. For myself, I have always known that
1) Almost never will a woman be attracted to me.
2) (Learned much later) On those rare occasions when a woman is attracted to me, and I to her, it is almost always better for my mental health to avoid her.

I have envied men who were attractive to women, but not enough to pay for something like Ross Jeffries' courses.

It is truly wonderful on those vanishingly rare times when I have made a healthy connection. I certainly have one now.

Kami said...

BTW the post from Orion was me logged in as my son. Oops! LOL I hope you have many more anniversaries.

Daniel Keys Moran said...

Happy Anniversary, guys. Amy and I are about to celebrate our 12th ... finding the right person, even if it's a little late, is a joy.

Steven Barnes said...

Head trip...
Actually quite the opposite. I realized that the lack was all in my own mind. That when I got out of my way, and let my natural animal drives link up with my emotions and intellect, sex was as natural as breathing. Once I saw through the illusion, I had to ask myself who and what I really wanted to be. There was really no pleasure involved, just real clarity, for the first time in my life.