The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Healing Your Heart: Step #2--Acknowledging fear

Healing the Wounded Heart #2--acknowledge your fear

I've been in the NW for the last week, seeing friends, doing business and recharging. Back home now, and back at work. A reader sent me the following note:

Hello Steven,

I’ve been receiving your diamondhour emails for some years now.

I read them and meditate on them, but never took any action, hence I never felt the desire to take action all these years until today, (fear, laziness, lack of motivation are my excuses) I would always dream about taking action, but never made a move.

I purchased (F.E.A.R) and I must say at first I wasn’t sure if I had learned anything, until a year ago I had to make a decision to stand up for myself at work, or continue to be harassed.

I was able to use what I learned from (F.E.A.R) and get through a very trying time, and at the end I had the courage to stand up and speak out make wrong right and at the end I had the courage to also leave a job that did not bring me any satisfaction.


I started a new job back in March of this year, a job that I thought I would like and maybe grow to love. I now realize I was playing it safe, by taking this job, not ready to put in the work to become a writer, what I have always desired to be since my pre-teens. I’m turning 33 in 7 days and my gift to myself is to start taking my baby steps.

I have a question for you:

Why do you send these wonderful motivating emails out, why do you give these life lessons to the public (complete strangers) Is it your way of giving back?

I appreciate all that you do, because somehow your words in your weekly emails and online information are seeds that have been planted inside of me, and I feel the growth taking place now.

I pray that you continue to be a Divine vessel and many blessings to you and your family.

With Love, Light, and Peace

(Name Withheld)

Thank you so much, J. I share because I must. It is simply a part of the deal--the universe gives to me, I have to pass it on. I see so much pain in the world connected to fear and lack of clarity. It would be like seeing a burning building, with people trapped within, thrashing about unable to find the exits. It would be almost impossible not to say: "here's the door."


One of the things I've noticed over the last years is that until people are prepared to actually deal with their issues, they will complain about them, but never actually look at the underpinnings, tell the truth about what is happening to them, or admit fear. The standard tactic is to blame others (or genetics, or environment), seek to distract questioners with borderline illogic, create arguments to distract questioners with guilt ("how can you say that! That's offensive") instead of looking at WHY a string of words triggered an anger response. And so forth. And the sad thing is that, hours, days, or years later, these people admit that they were using those techniques to distract, protect, deflect, or slow down the process of change.

In dealing with wounded people, it is very common for them to use the following tactics:

1) saying they don't want a relationship.

2)only being attracted to people who are unavailable (due to other commitments, geography, emotional problems)

3) setting impossible preconditions to relationships

4) drain off all their "relationship" energy into caretaking and "fixing" others, rather than dealing with their own "stuff."

The most honest approach would be to say "I'm not ready to have a relationship yet. I have work to do." But this is as rare as someone saying "I'm not ready to lose the weight yet" or "I'm not ready to heal my finances yet." The far more common reaction is to try to convince allies, friends and families that they are fine, doing all they can, are in control.

Eventually, the consequent string of failures will either cause enough pain to wake them up, or drive them into bitterness and denial: happiness, health, or success are impossible. Or: they believe they are simply broken.

Both are terribly sad, and a waste of life.

What stops them from clarity is usually fear. Fear of admitting they are the problem. Or that they don't know what they really want. Or that if they admitted what they really want, they would have to deal with the disappointment of never having it. Or fear that their allies would desert them if they didn't "think" that every effort was being made. This is very common among people who are "trying" to lose weight, while actually needing to keep it on. They will EITHER exercise, or "diet"...but never control input AND output at the same time, because that would actually cause weight loss and dissolve the armor.

Fear. If the first step is to acknowledge that the heart needs healing, the second step is to be honest about the fear that causes distortion and deflection. You don't need to have the ANSWER, but you must clearly state the situation, and also the question. Leading to the formulation:

1) I am dealing with massive fear in this arena.

2) I don't know how to deal with that fear.

Just the clarity, and the commitment to tell the truth and not take side-trips through delusion, are necessary steps to actually defining the problem clearly and determining the appropriate resources necessary to accomplish the goal. Remember that your ego thinks it is you--it will not help you in this process.

Remember the "Cradle to the Grave" time-line: connect with your childhood goals. Connect with your deathbed values. Conduct yourself on a daily basis so that both your "child" and "elder" personalities are happy with what you are doing on a daily basis.

Accept no substitutes.


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