The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Door to your future

I spent an hour this morning meditating, trying to dig down to some older "circuits" of my personality. My family needs me to expand my definition of myself, and it is hella hard to change patterns that have been generative, and healthy, and productive for decades.

The kid inside me wants martial arts, family, and writing. And when I look back over my life, despite a sometimes bumpy road, those three things have been constant, and I've exceeded my original specifications for success many times. Good going, kid.

But now I have to change that, to provide not just physical security, but to be certain that I am remaining true to my dreams, my ultimate values, AND the demands of the current situation. And this is where it gets funky.

Tried to lose weight when you attach your core identity or survival needs to the flesh cushion? Ever wonder why you can't stay on a "diet" or exercise program? Hah.

Tried to improve a relationship, or find one, when everything in your heart says it will lead to pain, it is too late, there are no good men/women, or that you have nothing to offer? Watch yourself sabotaging efforts and rejecting "nice" people while being attracted to bastards and bitches? Hah.

Tried to master your finances when everything in your heart tells you money is evil, that you mustn't exceed your father's success, that money makes you a target, or that it "takes money to make money"? Watch yourself neglecting to balance your checkbook, knock on doors, make calls, find yourself hallucinating that buying a lottery ticket is an "investment"? Hah.

We're such silly creatures. But these are not "flaws." They are evidence of survival wiring, and as such you need to go deep. DEEP inside, find the fears, and de-inhibit them slowly and carefully, like defusing a bomb or charming a nest of snakes.

I compare it to overhauling your car while driving on the freeway. Without stopping.

There is nothing easy about this. There has never been an owner's manual. I believe the secrets related to how to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit were specific to our original tribal lives, but recreating them for a more dynamic world is driving us crazy.

I also believe that the answers are there--but you must be careful in winding together the disparate strands, which can be found in pieces from cultures around the world. The secret is that you must center your learning EITHER around healing your heart OR strengthing your body. Either is generative, and will lead to growth in other levels. If you try to sort through this stuff head-first you risk falling into a pit of ego-vipers.

Heart: heal your emotions, strengthen your spirit, form a healthy romantic/sexual relationship with a mature human being and build a life together.

Body: Master your body (any discipline will do), then learn to take that energy into expressing healthy sexuality, building a career, and finding a healthy relationship.

Either approach will do. Find the rules in the culture, religion, philosophies that appeal to you. Seek the answers that "cluster" around these two points, and make them yours. Discard anything that doesn't speak to these--trust me, if they are valid, you will re-discover them as you grow.

Trust your own experience. When it is in alignment with modern theory and ancient wisdom, you've found your way. When your way is in alignment with your childhood dreams and your deathbed values...

You have found the door to Awakened Adulthood.

Open the door. The friends you'll make on the other side are remarkable spirits indeed.

No comments: