The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Another letter

Regarding journaling:
2/11/05 It’s amazing what a little ‘core dump’ every night will do for the quality of one’s sleep! I have reread these past couple of days and what has become clear in such brief time is that I blame myself for so much. Not just acknowledging that , yeah, I made some choices that got me where I am, but BLAME!!! Like, You Stupid Idiot BLAME. It’s as if I’ve GOT to have some place to hang that anger. I can’t , in the long run, blame the other person. Their choices are their own. But MY poor choices…I don’t just own them, I erect a freaking shrine to them. Is this where the metaphysics I was taught from childhood has backfired? A lesson taken out of context and then applied to the exclusion of the rest of the philosophy? Yeah, it looks like that. The rest of the teaching is that there are no SINS, (I’ve replaced the word SIN with BLAME in my lexicon), only choices made and made again. If you miss the mark, then try again. It’s what I tell my children but I have not lived it fully. How can something that I have studied nearly all of my life not have been clear enough? I KNOW this stuff. It is not a new concept to me. There are certain fundamental Truths about how Life works and Laws that are a result of the Truth and I have not placed them at the core of my Being. About face kiddo! The Law is Love. There is nothing else. Out of Love springs all creation. I am Love and therefore Creative. My thoughts are creative and manifest in a measurable way in my life. So change the thoughts! Easier said than done. Act as IF and take one minute at a time. I feel lighter, more energized now than I have in weeks. How much is hormonal shift and how much is authentic awakening? Doesn’t matter. Just BE in the moment and be happy now for Now is all I have. The song says, Yesterday’s gone…and tomorrow hasn’t come. This, here in this moment is all I have.
Thank you Sensei!
You are so welcome. It will take about 10% of the time it took to screw yourself up to get back on the path. That means about 2 years of conscious effort. Not too bad, right? Don't you DARE give yourself crap for not being able to do it faster!

(Now I just need to teach her to breathe!)

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