The Same Garbage In Different Bags

I have the strong suspicion that VERY similar dysfunctions underlie problems in all three basic arenas.

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1) In body, people blame diets that make them hungry and uncomfortable, exercise that is "boring and painful" and the cruelty of people's attitudes. Lack of social support, and early family programming. Genetics.

2) In relationships, people blame lovers who lie and deceive, matchmaking services that don't deliver, bad role models when they were children, a judgmental society.

3) In finance, people blame the economy, dishonest customers or partners, inability to save money, the pull of advertising to buy useless goods, and lack of fulfillment at work. Lack of role models for success.

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I'm sure there are others, but are we seeing a pattern here?

Let's try to boil this stuff down to the smallest possible number of excuses/reasons, separate from specific context:

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(and by the way, PLEASE remember that the main reason for this blog is reminding MYSELF of the principles I try to live by. I'm talking to myself, not to any of you)

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1) Confusing the external and internal worlds. "Society doesn't support me being fit/making money/finding love." That may well be true, but that is a child's excuse. "They don't like me at school. My friends are doing X, why can't I? They won't help." All may be true. Would you accept these reasons from your children? Then why the hell do you accept them from yourself? And if you do, don't you DARE expect to guide your children to maturity, when you won't accept it yourself.

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2) Not knowing how to motivate yourself. Boredom is internal, not external. There is nothing intrinsically boring or interesting--it's all our perceptual filters. Children do the "homework is boring!" routine, and we have to tease and cajole them. Adults learn how to pull their own strings, to align their goals, values, and beliefs. To know WHY they are doing things, and attach pain to the negative results, and pleasure to the positive ones. It is boring to pay your bills, study, exercise, help kids with their homework, listen to your spouse's stories of daily trial. Unless it isn't. Would you tell your children that you lost their home because going to work was "boring"? If so, you are a child, and should never have had sex in the first place. Adults don't have that luxury.

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3) Mistaking short term for long-term action. Do you know people whose savings plan is buying lottery tickets? I do. And diets, dating services, and get-rich-quick schemes are roughly equivilent--unless they are integrated into a plan designed to last a lifetime.

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4) Lying to yourself. Remember Musashi's first principle? "Do not think dishonestly." Let me give you a perfect instance, from my own life. Over my career, I've made a LOT of money. Millions of dollars. Not LOTS of millions, but millions nonetheless. Since childhood, I've known a simple principle about money: Pay Yourself First. 5-10% of everything, right off the top. Goes in a secure savings account, never to be touched. Now, what do I actually do? Spend it almost as fast as it comes in. I take trips. I buy electronics. I have a great time. And when my career has a burp, or I have unexpected expenses, what happens? I suffer, and so does my family. Because I don't have the discipline to do what must be done. And how do I avoid the discipline? By avoiding the personal pain. I blame the economy. I blame the industry. (No, I don't blame racism in the industry for any financial problems I have. I blame that for my inability to meet certain lofty goals, or to express myself at the highest level, or stay on the specific career path I desire. I CHOSE to make a living in the arts, and knew that would be difficult. Racism is just a specific difficulty. Has nothing to do with how I pay my bills.) I put the blame everywhere except where it belongs: on the Adult Steve. Now, I grew up lower-middle class, although we were broke a lot. There are people who are GENUINELY poor, barely enough to eat...but note that in America, a sign of poverty is obesity. That's not poverty the way the rest of the world experiences it.) What I'm saying is that in my entire circle of acquaintances, including inner-city folks, poor-as-churchmice fans, and so forth, a VERY tiny percentage of these people literally have no money for color TVs, entertainment, non-essential calories, etc. In other words, it might be very difficult to save 5-10% of their money, but it would be difficult to pull your daughter out of a burning building, too. The burning building is your finances. Or your relationship. Or your collapsing health.

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I have lied to myself, and done it chronically, for years, and am now correcting that. And you know what? As soon as you begin to discipline yourself to live on 90% of what you earn, surprise surprise, you find yourself making more money, and automatically finding other ways to save it. But as long as I lied to myself (as most Americans do) that I HAD to have that toy, or vacation, or whatever, my life conspired to support the notion that I could not save. As soon as I admitted I was lying, and FORCED myself to Pay Myself First...things started moving in the right direction.

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People lie about not having enough time to exercise. Or meditate. Or manage their time (!) It's all bullshit. If you have time to watch television, you have time to perfect your life. Period.

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A few principles that arise from Musashi's first principle:

1) You should never accept an excuse from yourself that you would not accept from your children.

2) You have no right to expect the world to work better than you do. Can't balance your budget? How dare you complain about the economy. Can't balance your metabolic checkbook in terms of calories in/calories out? Don't act confused by beaurocratic bloat. Can't keep your house clean? Stop complaining about the environment. Can't have an honest, open-hearted conversation with your spouse or lover? Stop wondering why there are wars. It starts with you. And curiously enough, when you DO master these things, you will gain huge compassion for the people around you, and the source of all the world's problems will be revealed. It is us. We are the problem. We are the solution. People who mock "We are the one's we've been waiting for" scare me, just a little. But they don't surprise me.

3) You will never be able to trust other people more than you can trust yourself. Never.

4) You will never know other people better than you know yourself.

5) You cannot lie to others and be honest with yourself.

6) You are as sick as your secrets.

7) A corollary to #6: there really aren't any secrets. We wear our wounds on our sleeves. But for every lie you need the world to believe about you, you must buy into a lie from others. If you didn't need people to buy into your bullshit, you wouldn't buy into theirs. Every single time someone disappointed you in the past, I ask you honestly: weren't there clues? Didn't you feel something wrong? Why didn't you pay attention? Because you twisted "judge not lest ye be judged" to mean "don't pay attention."

8) Your relationships are only as healthy as the flow of information. I don't know a single relationship that went bad where lying, or the withholding of information was not at the core of it. Do you? If you fall out of love with someone, that's sad, but hardly tragic. If you conceal your emotions and cheat, or savage your partner by withholding your beauty or sexuality or power, on the other hand, you can destroy your family.

9) Your relationships with others will NEVER be healthier than your relationship with yourself.

10) Tomorrow doesn't exist. Neither does yesterday. There is only Now. Saying: "I'll wait until I'm healthy" to lose weight, or explore relationships is often just your ego trying to slow you down. It's like saying "I'll wait until I'm making more money to save" NO NO NO!!! You have it EXACTLY backwards. You start saving money while you are poor. The excuses for not saving money loom just as large when you have more money.

11) Operating on theory rather than demonstrated reality. The engagement with the process of health teaches you where you are, and where you are not. Otherwise, you are merely hallucinating, working on theory, practicing A Priori as opposed to A Posteriori philosophy. Hell, any exercise system, relationship theory, diet, economic policy or whatever will work in your mind.

12) Listening to experts who have not themselves accomplished the goal. Would you take economic advice from someone who is broke above someone who is self-made wealthy? Weight-loss advice from someone who yo-yo diets as opposed to people who lost and kept the weight off for a decade? Relationship advice from someone married eight times as opposed to someone who has been married and happy for thirty or forty years? I'll tell you why we do this: we don't want to hear the hard truth.

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We are desperate to remain children, to blame the world, genetics, or whatever for our health and happiness. The instant we admit that WE are responsible for our health, wealth, and happiness we have nowhere to hide. Yes, in a bad economy, 20% of people might be unemployed...but why are YOU one of them? If you have a slow metabolism inherited from your parents, how exactly does that stop you from exercising every day that you eat, and learning more efficient techniques? If only 50% of marriages survive, why isn't yours one of them? Where is personal responsibility? Where is the belief in yourself? WOULD YOU ACCEPT THESE EXCUSES FROM YOUR CHILDREN?

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If not, how can you call yourself an adult? I have been a child in too many ways, through too much of my life, and will not do it any longer. Nor will I speak less than my truth at any time...anything less than that is dooming my children to repeat my errors, rather than face the future with courage and hope.