The Biggest Lie

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Kukulkan:

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you quoted me talking about Clinton supporters voting for McCaine, thinking that I resent them if their reasons are racial (and am therefore hypocritical because I don't call blacks to task for voting along racial lines). Nonsense. I resent people who don't admit that many votes have been lost on this basis, and do the "Obama has an advantage because he is black" routine. You were detecting sarcasm, not resentment. I know damned well that many blacks vote for him BECAUSE he is black. Maybe even two or three times the percentage of whites who vote AGAINST him because he's black. But because whites outnumber us ten to one, he's lost one hell of a lot more votes on that basis than he's gained. That's people's right. But it pisses me off when people don't ACKNOWLEDGE that that has happened. That's really all. Frankly, I am far too busy being tickled that whites have been as accepting as they have. I would have to have been either incredibly naive, or harboring seething, murderous hatred for whites to be pissed by something that is so glaringly obvious and predictable. Anyone who knows me can tell you I am in neither category. Why in the world would I resent people following completely typical human behavior? It really sucks being on the losing end of that equation, but hey, that's the biz.

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I understand people who harbor such resentments (about this and other issues) but unless I was willing to go out and kill some white folks, the anger and pain would do nothing except poison my own life. THAT is the real reason for forgiveness. Not for the other person's benefit, but for your own. The philosophy that I evolved to deal with this stuff is tied intimately to my sense of what it is to be a human being, and how the basic biological drives of our physical shells motivate our individual and social behaviors. It is this reason that I can't be swayed by arguments that men are less than women, or Muslims worse than Christians, whites worse than blacks...or vice versa. This stuff is all tied together. The exact same evaluative procedures that would create any "this better than that" about one of these arenas (say, men less moral or evolved than women) would lead me in an instant to believing whites were less than blacks, for example. I would be one lonely, isolated, unhappy, and unhealthy dude.

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In the last two weeks, Jason has made HUGE strides in his swimming. From being scared to stray beyond the steps in the shallow end, he's now leaping into the deep end without his Floatie vest. Amazing. Not quite swimming, he is completely oriented to the pool, and knows how to thrash his way to the sides. Heck, I'm not much better than that, and I snorkle in the Bahamas and swim with dolphins. Watching your kids grow up is a neverending circus.

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I'd been planning to try a new workout today, one of Steve Maxwell's kettlebell complexes. Maxwell is the very best designer of such programs out of Pavel's whole crew (he and Pavel seem to have had a falling out) but at 52 Maxwell is in smokin' shape, and his "Cruel and Unusual Kettlebell Exercises" is an awesome series of 4 KB complexes that are designed to whip your metabolism through the roof in 10-20 minutes. Really amazing stuff.

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The second season of Dexter is being rerun on Showtime. Simply an amazing show, morbid, violent, sexy, heartbreaking...I just love it. Almost perfectly performed. T and I feel like it's Christmas in July.

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Apparently, both Hellboy and The Dark Knight look to be superb comic book movies, with real heart as well as spectacle. Can't wait. And of course, both reflect the human reality of love at the center of our existence. Apparently, Dark Knight has six action scenes shot in IMAX, so see it in this format if possible.

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We can't predict the future behavior of others, but I remember something one of my teachers said: "Do not trust people. Instead rely upon them. Rely upon them to do whatever it is they consider to be in their own self-interest." The only way to do that is to be able to determine what that self-interest is. And in my mind, the only way you can possibly do that is to know yourself. To look fearlessly at your own flaws and fuck-ups, and take responsibility for them, to get real about the way you've lied and sold yourself out...or stood up for yourself and been courageously honest in the face of pain and disappointment. If you take responsibility for all three aspects of your life, you have a good chance to see right through other people's B.S., because you'll know all the rationalizations. Over and over again, I've had people with weight problems straight-up lie about being "unable" to lose weight because of physical issues, when eventually it turned out the problems were really emotional. A student recently emailed me, confessing that when she loses weight her sex drive increases, and her husband's lack of sexual interest frustrates her more deeply, risking their marriage. In other words, she slows herself down to remain hobbled to a man with low energy.

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I've run into versions of that many, many times. But here's the trick: I'd bet ANYTHING that there are parallels in the domain of money and relationships: people who blame external circumstances for lack of financial success, but actually cripple themselves out of resentment, fear, or programming. It isn't the economy: in the worst economies, the top 20% are still doing fine. The real question is: why aren't YOU in the top 20% of your field? Or ladies who say that there are more women than men, and that's why they're not in a relationship. Really? All that does is explain why X percentage of your group is unmarried, NOT why YOU are one of them. Stats don't have that much to do with the individual.

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But I suspect it is miles easier to blame genetics, or the economy, or gender statistics, or racial statistics or whatever than it is to examine your own motivations, beliefs, values, and actions. So easy. For one thing, when you stop behaving like a typical member of your group, you lose your protective coloration. You stand out and become a target.

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You take the chance of being alone. The trouble is that we are all "alone" and the "protective coloration" is just an illusion. I am male, American, of mixed ethnicity, a writer, etc....but all of these are just interesting labels. If I hide behind any of them, I inherit not just their strengths but limitations. It is simple: in terms of playing the game of life, either you take responsibility or you do not. Life doesn't care. You can be happy, healthy, and successful, but the doorway to adult rewards comes from adult responsibilities. And the instant you blame society, your family, or your genetic circumstances for anything that can be modified by action, you are being a child. Adults realize that they are all that stands between the next generations and chaos, and that they are going to die...and vow that their death, and therefore their life, will have meaning. That that meaning will be found in their actions.

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If you can't admit the ways in which you sell yourself short, lie to yourself, are asleep, you cannot rise to your greatest level, and walk the world awake and alert. Complaining about injustices is one thing. Suggesting that those injustices control how you feel about life is quite another. Every day, you have to polish your perceptual lens, and take responsibility for living fully and honestly. Either you make that commitment, or you allow the external world to control your internal experience. And that is one of the great existential fallacies.

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Who you are to yourself influences the way you are with others. The lies you tell yourself will blind you to the lies others tell to you. The more honest you are with yourself, the harder it is to be conned.

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And the question of the day is: what is the biggest lie you ever bought into from a friend or lover?