Thrown off balance

There is a gentleman who republishes posts I made several years ago about the spiritual path, and I look at those comments and don't know who made them. Why? Because they originated in a different part of my psyche. Deeper than the parts I've been able to access over the last year, due largely to the amount of chaos in my life, trying to stay balance for my family in a situation where my resources and environment are vastly different from anything I've had previously, or would ever have consciously chosen for myself.

But where I am is where I am, and I can't pretend it is something else. Looking back into my past is avoiding the moment. Looking forward to the future is avoiding the moment. The only time in which there is power is the Now. All else is a leach of energy, time spent studying the map as opposed to actually moving forward.

Oddly, moving forward is stillness and centering. Such a paradox: you can spend your whole life navel-gazing. Most people do the opposite: lose their lives immeshed in actions without understanding how those actions relate to our inner being. That is just as ultimately pointless as connection to inner being without connecting to outer work.

We must have both. And grasping that...or most honestly, during the MOMENTS when I grasp that, I glimpse a higher working to my life. My motivation for moving with my family, despite what it has cost me. On some level, if (when) I come out the other side of this I'll be a new person. A hopefully BETTER person. Stronger. Deeper.

And if that is true...then everything that has happened is just the Universe giving me another opportunity for growth. And it hurts. Growth usually does. And whether I grow or am broken by my experiences is decided by my ability to prevent stress from becoming strain. Which is connected to my centering and evidenced by my breathing.

Which is 100% my responsibility. So there it is: my ego can distract me from doing the right things, the things that would cause growth and...surprise! Ego death. And in the process allow me to blame the external world for my internal states.
Oh, it's clever, and kept me scrambled quite nicely, thank you. I'm catching my balance again. It's been a year, and I'm gaining perspective on the fact that about every seven years I throw myself a total loop, and it is another "cubic inch of opportunity." Take it, use it, grow with it, and it is mine.

Avoid it, deny it, disown it, and it is gone forever. This one is mine. I've paid the price, and the only sane response is to own the benefit as well.

Steve