The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter


Thursday, January 02, 2014

Commandment #9: Thou Shalt Soberly Examine the "Gap"...


9. Thou Shalt Soberly Examine The “Gap” Between Where Thou Art, And Where Thou Needst To Be.


Now…this is the tricky part.  You’ve performed #8—writing out your precise desires in the realm of relationship.   Body, Mind, and Relationships, relating these things to real, measureable results.    For the first time in your life, you aren’t compromising AT ALL.

Take a deep breath…and look around at your circle of friends and associates and neighbors.   FIND THE PERSON WHO COMES THE CLOSEST TO WHAT YOU HAVE DESCRIBED, WHETHER THEY ARE MARRIED OR NOT.   Sit them down for the most important conversation of your life.  You are going to ask them to describe what THEY are looking for in a “perfect partner.”    You have to have the courage to hear what they are about to say, to face the terror that what your ideal describes will be something you might never be able to be.  

The first time I did this technique, it was right after my first marriage had gone belly-up, and I was shattered emotionally, more insecure than I’d ever been.  I didn’t know who I was.   

But I knew what I was attracted to.   I created a list of everything I wanted in a woman, and then had an amazing idea.    A life-changing idea. 

I would find the person who came closest to what I had, and ask them what they were looking for in a partner.   Get them to be as specific as I’d been, in all three arenas.

And I would take a close look at what she said. Why?  Because, if I’d chosen carefully, what I described was what my heart most yearned for. And if that person could be trusted to speak her truth, what SHE     described was what I most yearned to be—the kind of man who could have a woman like THAT for a partner.

Grasp something carefully—it wasn’t about changing yourself for some particular person.   It is about understanding who and what you really wanted to be before life stole some of your juice.  Before you lost that confidence that you can have or be anything, and fulfill your dreams.   In other words, before you copped out on yourself.

Because once you’ve got that description, in all likelihood what is described is a more congruent, refined, powerful, confident, emotionally healed and focused version of you.   All you have to do is subtract where you are from what is described, and you have the goals that would set you on the path to being a fuller, happier, more self-realized version of yourself.

Even better—ask three different people, and look at what they all say in common.  If you look at them, and in your heart know that these goals are in alignment with your values, but perhaps scare you, just a bit…perfect.

In my own case, the lady in question could indeed tell me what she was looking for.  And to my shock, it wasn’t terribly different from who and what I was.  There were two major things.

1) She wanted someone with more of a spiritual base than I had.  To my surprise, I realized I’d been in so much pain that I’d forgotten to meditate.

2) She wanted someone with less body fat than I had at the time.  And…I realized I’d been so depressed I’d stopped running!

I put these two pieces into place, began meditating and running, (and managing my eating a bit more) and began to shift emotionally.   I didn’t have to be the “perfect Steve.”  I had to be moving in the direction of positive growth.  When you do, you are happy.  Your energy increases.  You feel grateful, and it is easier to have faith.  It is easier to take additional actions.

And you believe in yourself enough to set new goals.    I had found the missing piece.   Everything else: my healing, what I discovered about ethical seduction, and finding my Soul Mate…everything came out of this initial piece.  It was frightening (what if she’d said something I could never be?) but I realized that the fear was just another of the emotions I had to learn to control to reach my fullest potential.

1) Make a list
2) Find the person/people who come the closest, and ask them what THEY want in a partner, collecting data in all three arenas
3) Subtract where you are from what they say.
4) Divide up this “gap” into pieces you can begin to acquire at the rate of about 1% per week.
5) Walk the thousand-mile road.   It is while you are totally inmeshed in being you, deepening your skills and passions, and learning how to give greater service to the world that you will fulfill your destiny.    

Was I prepared to hear something harsh?  That my goals and dreams and actions were mis-aligned?   Yes.  Because NOTHING is worth losing yourself.  And life, in a thousand different ways, distracts us from our heart path. And it is while following our heart paths that we find our souls…

And our Soul Mates.

Namaste,
Steve

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