The first fifteen minutes

The first fifteen minutes of my morning meditating today, my head felt like it was filled with peanut butter. Let me list the crap that came up:

1) Old resentments

2) Feeling tired

3) Impatience

4) "What's the point"

5) "I can skip just this one day"

6) "Nothing is happening today."

7) "This is great! I'm done!"

8) Images from movies I saw last week.

9) Snatches of songs

10) The urge to trim my neighbor's cat's toenails

It really is insane, and even after thirty years of practice, the first 5-15 minutes of practice is filled with this nonsense. I just have to remember that my ego is, as always, fighting for its life. It's going to lose, however. The real "me" is just stronger than my ego, no matter what obstacles it throws up at me. It's going to lose.

Sex is a great motivator. Most of the cultures that have looked at sexuality in a non-smarmy way have come to a conclusion similar to the following: "the intensity of an orgasm is in direct proportion to the amount of ego that is released at that moment." Think of your ego-walls as if they are composed of pure, solidified orgasmic energy. In painting, writing, martial arts or any creative activity, the ability to "dissolve" the ego, represented in the "subject-object" relationship, creates flow, focus and the ability to access deep skills.

In other words...you can use sex to teach you how to "focus and flow" and ANY activity where you experience this quality to teach you deeper surrender in any of the other arenas. They are all the same, interconnected.

I repeat: find clarity, focus, flow, connection and release in ANY arena of your life (for instance, morning meditation) and then ask yourself:

1) how am I breathing during that moment?

2) what is my internal dialogue during those moments?

3) what is my posture during those moment?

4) how long does the focus/flow state last, and what happens as it begins to return?

5) what external factors affect the quality of this experience?

And on and on. Journal your results. Keep track. Study your own mind and body, and never ever ever let your ego fake you out. You are stronger than your illusions!