Running with the right pack

Thank God for the dismantling of Don't Ask Don't Tell! I am shocked at the lameness of the counter-arguments. Let me get this right: at least a dozen times I have heard the exact same thing posted on websites, on talk radio, in casual conversations: would you want women showering with men?

And I assume sincerity on the part of the speaker, and it is disturbing as hell. So...you're saying that gay men make you feel like a woman? Is that right? Women have things to fear because they are on average smaller and weaker than men, and are outnumbered in the military. For there to be any equivalency here these straight men would have to fear they were smaller and weaker than gays, on the average, and therefore vulnerable to rape? But gays are probably less than 10% of the military population...so they can't outnumber straight men, and that Fear of Rape thing would seem to go right out the window. I'm left with wondering if the men who say this are actually afraid that if they were in the showers with a gay man, they might find themselves having a physical response. What the hell?

Let me say this. If THAT is the best argument, it's horrible. I would be ashamed to call myself a "fighting man" afraid of being raped by other men whom I outnumbered, and were no stronger than I. I thought the stereotype was that gays were smaller, weaker, more effeminate. Now it would seem that the secret fear is that they are larger, stronger...and terribly attractive. This is just sick. Not exactly a Mighty Warrior attitude, now, is it?

I stopped being bothered by gay men being attracted to me when I realized, at about age 25, that they were attracted to most of the same characteristics women were attracted to. Just a complement, then.

Unless, of course, you're scared of responding in the showers. Man, that would be embarrassing, now, wouldn't it?

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Who are your three closest friends? I heard a story recently that a famous speaker, a really excellent motivation guy, was on a program with Tony Robbins. Afterwards, they sat around talking until after midnight. This guy said: "I don't understand. I earned 1.5 million last year. You made almost 100 million. What am I doing wrong?"

Robbins didn't hesitate. Asked him "Who are your four closest friends?" The guy reeled them off. Robbins asked "How much money do they make?" The guy was stunned. All his friends made about the same amount of money.

Robbins said that his four closest friends were damn near billionaires. Oops. Now, before you suggest that this is materialistic, I want to quote something that one of Tananarive's Jewish friends' mothers told him. "You can fall in love with anyone. Why not someone Jewish?" Now let's paraphrase roughly: "you can be friends with all kinds of people. Why not people who are healthy and successful?"

Even if you have a problem with the idea of seeking out friends who have positive characteristics, at the very least you should be aware of two very real problems.

1) People surround themselves with those who reinforce their own prejudices, attitudes, and values. Can't count the number of lonely men and women who surround themselves with a pity-party of like-minded who will tell them "men are dogs" or "women are gold-diggers" or "there's no good X out there." Can't count the number of financially broken people who surround themselves with others who will reinforce their attitudes that "money is the root of all evil" or "it takes money to make money" or whatever. Unpublished or unsuccessful writers whose friends all agree that the publishing industry is run by monsters with low taste. Obese people who surround themselves with people even fatter than they are (makes them look slim! I kid you not.)

The "Mastermind" principle applies to so many arenas of life. Probably all of them, actually. Just two days ago, I was working with a client who wanted help raising his income from 270K. I don't know anything about his specific industry, but I don't have to. The principles of success are pretty much the same across the board. I asked: "who are three people you know in your industry who earn more than you?" He searched his memory, and found them. "What are they doing that you don't do?" This person is a type of counselor, and was instantly abashed: this is precisely what he advises his own clients. He'd forgotten it.

But, you might ask, if they are more successful than you, what can you offer them? Why not honest admiration, courageous feedback, genuine affection? If you love yourself, deeply, you can radiate this outwards to anyone. And why in the world are rich, successful, happy people in good relationships any less deserving of friendship than anyone else?

This is NOT to say I reject old friends who aren't playing the games I choose in life. One of my very best friends in all my life was Lee, a guy I went to kindergarten with. We had totally different levels of ambition and accomplishment. But Lee loved me, and I loved him. Period. We had rituals of seeing every new Bond movie. I taught his son jiu jitsu on Saturday mornings. He was a connection to an earlier, simpler time in my life. I miss him terribly...Lee smoked and had some other damaging habits, and died of cancer. Sigh.

You can keep your old friends. Celebrate them for their positive qualities, or for their connection to your heart. But why not deliberately seek out some of the wonderful people who are accomplished in the arenas where you need help? Or...you can cling to your wounds and allow them to define you. Want to know where you'll end up in life? Add up all the people you spend time with. Divide by the number of people.

You'll be right in the middle of the pack. At the very least, choose your pack consciously.