A Watched Pot

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It seems sometimes that Jason has, say, 100 points of discipline, and as we expect more from him, he has to take some from one area to apply it to another. He still wets his pants a little sometimes, and has problems pushing kids at school. When one gets better, the other will sometimes get worse. So I've trying to spend time with him every morning practicing yoga, teaching him to breathe more deeply and slowly, which is incompatible with flash anger. For the potty, I'm giving him a scale from 1 to 10. 1 is "you just went potty. Your body is empty." And 10 is "you're peeing yourself." The rule is that when you get to "4" it's time to go potty. It seems to me that he doesn't have a sense of urgency about urinating until it's too late. So he gets interested in doing what he's doing at the moment, waits until he's at a "9" and then heads to the bathroom...too late.

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So far, it's working pretty well. Not perfectly, but what is in this world? Pretty darned good is encouraging.

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I do wish that I knew more about economics, to have more of a sense of what is going on. Honestly, I just don't. However, I do know I thought it grotesque when Right-wing pundits were talking about "The Obama Recession" the day after the election. What asses.

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On the other hand, watching the chaos in Liberal talk radio, it is clear that something is wrong, but for the life of me, I can't figure it out. Needless to say, each side tries to interpret the failure of, say, NovaM and the implosion of Air America in a way that makes them look good. Here are some of the things said about it on the Right:

1) It's market driven. No one wants to hear Liberal ideas

2) It's boring--all data, no fun.

3) It's emotion, without logic.

4) Sheer business incompetance

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And on the Left

1) The stations are owned by mega-corporations that skew Right.

2) Even when they win their time slots, pressure groups sabotage their shows, get them removed.

3) Right-wingers are such failures in other mediums that they are defending their radio turf like cornered rats

4) The Right entrenched itself for decades in radio, and now have roots so deep it is hard to compete.

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Now, clearly you have self-congratulatory or blame game explanations going on. But SOMETHING is happening. If I take out the blame, howls of mirth, and self-justifications I might be left with some ideas about how one political tendency denotes a brain that sorts for the visual as opposed to the auditory. I really don't know, but would be interested in seeing some serious, non-politicized speculations. Of course, it could all just be a very temporary statistical blip. But somehow, I don't think so.

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It's pretty clear that I've reached the end of one whole way of being. I really don't seem to be able to make progress in any arena without running into serious, deep-seated emotional obstacles. How interesting. So...I have to assume that the right way to deal with this is to simply be ultra-clean and ultra-responsible in any arena in which there is work that CAN be done. The rest of it is a matter of continuing to center myself and do the very best I can, and assume that the next family of change will be totally out of my conscious control.

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I remember fifteen years ago, living up in Washington, being at the end of my rope. I was broke, alone, and my marriage had just self-destructed. I had no idea what to do, or where to go. And I remember praying for guidance, for any kind of clarity. And I finally said something very much like: "all right, God. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do everything I can to move forward and stay centered at the same time. I will blame no one for my problems, and take full responsibility for my life. I'm jumping off the cliff, into the cloud. Catch me, God...or, if you won't, let me hit the rocks without knowing they're coming."

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Yeah, I said something very very close to that. Giving up all hope while still working as hard as possible. And out of that, I've built the life of my dreams.

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Things are great now, but I have run into walls as firm as those old ones. They do not confine me in a negative space...sort of a gilded prison, in some ways. But a prison, nonetheless. I have to accept the limitations of conscious action, and grasp that the changes I seek will happen in their own time, in their own ways, and I have to be slightly emotionally disconnected from the process. Hard for me. I want so much to DO IT! But...it doesn't seem to be that kind of party. So: work, meditate, love my family, work out...and turn my back on the bubbling pot from time to time. The soul is shy.