I would have gone to see "21" this last weekend, but found out that the actual student the
story is based on is Chinese. When they changed it to a white guy for the movie, that
just pisses me off. And no, it's not just Hollywood. Sigh.
The "Soulmate Process" has roots back in about fifteen years of speculating about the
nature of relationships, observations about them, experiments in my own life
and he lives of students and friends. I believe it, have seen
it in operation many times, but there is an irreducible amount of speculation
The basic idea is that our relationships are mirrors of our own worth, self-image, and self-love. One of the saddest things I've seen is people simply not understanding what attracts the opposite sex (and I have to confine this to male-female
relations, because I simply haven't observed gay mating dances to the same degree. I would suspect that the rules are very
Something called the "Beauty/Power Axis" is critical to understanding this. In general,
human beings will make the best relationship choices they can. All other things being
equal, the average man will go after the most beautiful woman.
The average woman will go after the most powerful man. In our current culture, there are LOTS
of people making a straight transaction (men and women placing equal value on both characteristics) but in
general, the way to bet is that, guys, want to attract more women? Earn more money, buy a house
(men with houses are something like six times more likely to attract a given
woman), get a bigger car. Women, want to attract more men? Project secondary sexual
characteristics, fertility and sexual readiness, and the signs of a healthy
immune system (smooth skin, etc.)
Everybody knows this stuff, but it can be painful to look at.
What this means for personal development is absolutely awesome. It means that, to the degree that this is true, and that
everyone will make the best choices they feel they can afford to make.
God, that realization can be painful. IN RELATIONSHIPS, WE DON'T GET WHAT WE WANT. WE GET WHO WE ARE. We want to believe that our love, our hearts, our sexuality has infinite worth. The last thing we want
to think is that it can be somehow quantified. And in an absolute sense, it isn’t, and can’t. But high-performing people put themselves through discipline and focus the average person just can’t believe.
Women who are “beautiful” are not merely the winners of a genetic lottery. That may be true in junior
high, but from my time in Hollywood watching these women exercise, diet, shop, raise their make-up to the level of artistry, take dance and poise classes, etc. and etc…I am convinced that 95% of women could be “beautiful” if they put
the right focus into it.
And as for men and wealth? Well, the average man, the average PERSON can be a millionare before they retire if they save 10% of their earnings into a no-load mutual fund and let it sit. If they put serious time and energy into learning not only
how to make it but hold it? They can do better than that.
In other words, these rules aren't more unfair to men than to women. They just are. If you play the game understanding these rules exist, it is sometimes possible to break them. Ignore them at your own peril.
The average person seems to be prevented from the full expression of their beauty or power more by fear than by lack of potential. One might almost suggest that a primary attraction between people is the "percentage of potential expressed." In other words, two people who are operating at the outer edges of their potential will be appropriate mates for each other. One person coasting while the other is maxing out? Not so much.
But you also have to look at the idea that human beings are doing the best they can with the resources they have.
But these things together, and you can glimpse what I'm talking about here:
1)If you are satisfied with the intimate relationships in your life, congratulate yourself: they are a reflection of who you are.
2) If you are NOT satisfied with the intimate relationships in your life, YOU must take responsibility for change. It isn't fair, but
"fair" doesn't really enter into it. Ladies, you can predictably attract a man whose expression of power equals your expression of your beauty.
Guys, vice versa. It is POSSIBLE to find relationships where a straight trade is made, but one almost never sees the opposite: a woman of power linking up with the beautiful but powerless guy. It's interesting to see the cultural and psychological barriers that prevent this 90% of the time.
The Soulmate Process is designed to align your heart's desires and your true nature with your external actions. A by-product of this is that you will become more attractive. You can use the attraction to measure your success, but the real point is to help you see where you are selling yourself short.
1) Make a list of the traits you want in a partner. Be specific, and let yourself dream. No compromises at ALL. If God gave you this mate, you'd be blissfully happy and wouldn't think "damn! I should have asked for X!" You should list qualities of body, mind, and spirit.
2) Look out at your circle of acquaintences, and find the person who comes the closest to your list. IF POSSIBLE, FIND THREE PEOPLE.
3) Invite them to dinner or lunch. Sit them down, and tell them of your project. What you want to know is: what are they attracted to? What kind of person could THEY fall in love with?
4) If you have chosen carefully, what they describe to you is what you REALLY aspire to be. Not what you let yourself admit to, but what you REALLY want. Relationships aren't that complicated. We get who we are, to an uncomfortable degree. If you ask three people, GREAT! Overlap their answers
What all three of them say in common is the core of what you want.
5) Look at the gap between who you are and what they want. Imagine yourself becoming that person. Would that be a good thing? In alignment with your values? Then begin to acquire those characteristics. Along the way, one of the signs that it is working is that you willbegin to attract the opposite-gender equivalent of the person you are becoming. That's just a side-benefit, however. The real reward is expressing a more authentic self.
That's it, in a nutshell. This is more art than science. It is so painful to watch people aspire to partners they simply don't have the power to attract and hold. The sadder thing is that so few people come anywhere close to expressing their true power: whether that manifests as finances or beauty or both. It is as if they are sitting on Fort Knox, and refusing to open the gates. What are they afraid of? I think in most cases people want to be "discovered". To be "seen as my true self", for someone to "see the real me" and not be distracted by little things like looks, weight, money, etc. And to be honest with you, most of the time it seems to me that these people are killing their dreams.
I think that we can all live lives in alignment with our values. Which means that we can all be attracted by what we see in the mirror. Which means that we can be attracted by our opposite-gender dopplegangers. There are few things sadder than someone who consistently and exclusively attracts people they themselves are not attracted to.
In other words: love yourself, turn yourself on, celebrate your life with your actions and words and thoughts, and strive to be the very best you can be. You will find a partner with the same level of courage, clarity, self-respect and honesty that you bring to your life.
And if you don't like the results you're getting from others...look in the mirror again.
Is this superficial? Really? Power is nurtured and expressed through countless small actions from day to day. Those actions are motivated and sustained by our emotions, values, and positive/negative anchors. What we do expresses who we are more than anything else. A snapshot appreciation of money, fitness, success, health, beauty, grace, power...these are, in one form or another, what goes on throughout the animal kingdom, and has powerful analogues in human society.
What too many of us want, and pray for, is NOT that people will "see our true selves" despite our outer shells. What we pray for is that we can cheat, cut corners, attract someone whose level of energy and commitment is higher than our own.
It doesn't work.
By the way: men? If you don't want to be judged according to your finances, don't judge a woman according to her beauty. Women? If you don't want to be judged according to your beauty, don't judge a man by his finances. Very, very simple stuff.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Posted by Steven Barnes at 9:39 AM