The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter

Thursday, May 25, 2006

What Feeds Your Demons?

Had an interestingly varied day yesterday: a lot of good work on different projects, but also a certain fear creeping in (a good time for Coach Sonnon’s “Fear Removal” exercise, for sure.) 

Truth is that there is nothing in particular wrong. In fact, there are so many potentials and possibilities that I should be excited beyond belief…the things I’ve already spoken of, as well as another opportunity to create a project for one of my very favorite performers.  I’ll talk more about this as soon as papers are signed.

But the fact is that despite that, and a successful PATH workshop, and a book about to come out in a couple of weeks, and lotsa fun martial arts training (Indonesian martial arts with Cliff Stewart, Japanese arts with Tim Piering) the last couple of days have been tough.  Worries, phantoms, old response stuff—rising from my mind.

Yippie!  I know myself well enough now to know that that stuff is just what I have to go through prior to making another breakthrough.  I was up at 6:00 this morning, worked the Bruiser clubbell for fifteen sets of four Gama casts, then did Bikram Yoga.  Hard, hard hard.  I really had to dig deep, and find the place of light inside myself that didn’t feel the heat, didn’t feel the fatigue, didn’t feel the fear. 

And when I found it, it spoke to me in the voice of that little boy who has always been there, if I only get quiet enough to listen.  “You go, Daddy!” he said.  And I visualized a triangle of Body, Mind, and Spirit, within that triangle my family, and they were simply radiating love at me…and at that moment, after a couple of days of floundering, I found my balance again.

So…what feeds the demons?  What gives strength to the voices in your head?  Well, I want to talk about that a bit over the next few days, because I’m starting to dig a little deeper.  But what I’ll say right now is that their biggest ally is our own forgetfulness.  Our own awareness that WE HAVE HEARD THESE VOICES, FELT THESE FEARS BEFORE, that we have walked through these flames countless times, and emerged stronger and more whole.  We forget.  So every time we hear them, feel them, fear them, it seems that we forget that hard-won wisdom, and cower away from the fangs we ourselves sharpen so assiduously. 

I want to investigate the demons, and the way they attack in all three arenas.  But before then, I ask the question: how do your demons attack YOU?

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