The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Your Significant Other--the second Mastermind

After you begin the process of aligning your internal world, it makes sense to look at the next level of building the "Mastermind." Remember basic definitions:
1) A master mind is two or more people aligned in a spirit of harmony, cooperating to reach individual or group goals.

One of the most critical aspects of this sentence is the phrase SPIRIT OF HARMONY. In other words, you are better off with two people in harmony than a hundred people who squabble. There is no better example of this than in an exploration of that most basic "Mastermind" partnership, the human pair-bonded mating. Whether "married" or not, the basic human unit has been the foundation of society since before there were humans. The reproductive core of this relationship makes it central to our understanding of human nature, even if the pair bond obviously extends to couples who have no interest in children, are beyond the age of children, same-sex couples, and so forth.

But there is something very special about a pairing you are committed to, where you can't simply walk away. And it is very different with another autonomous adult than with a child or a pet. Your relationship with your primary significant other is a mirror for who YOU are. Your intelligence, energy, focus, creativity, self-love, joy...all of these things go "on the table" when seeking relationships.

Now, if you are celibate, or have made a conscious choice to avoid human romantic or sexual relationships for philosophical or religious reasons, this doesn't apply to you. But I see people lying to themselves all the time--they have a string of failed relationships, and instead of asking what they would need to do to heal themselves to attract and hold a better level of human partner, they say there are "no good men" or "no good women" or they are just too good for the world, etc. It's actually rather sad.

I would estimate that less than 1% of people really WANT to be alone. For the rest of us, the search for love, the desire to have another human being to share our passion, our travails and triumphs, is a very real thing. And that person should, ideally, be someone who can share our values and dreams, who is courageous enough to call us on our b.s. (this often doesn't happen--because then, of course, they would be called on THEIR b.s. In a dysfunctional relationship, the first person to tell the truth opens the door to dissolution). There is nothing more important than this primary partnership--except your integrity within yourself.

Just a few questions to consider in this arena:
1) Look at your past failed relationships. What didn't you see in the other person that you would have seen had you not been myopic with fear or lust?
2) Look at the best relationship you've ever had. What did you do right in this instance that you had not done before, (or if the relationship has ended badly, since.)
3) If you are seeking a new relationship, are you clear upon your values and needs? Are you the equivalent of what you are seeking? How would you need to change, or grow to manifest or mirror the qualities you want in a partner?

Understanding our romantic relationships is a foundation for understanding EVERY other kind of relationship. The reverse is not always true.



hospodi said...

Aside from lunch groups and writers circles, the only application I have been able to find is family and work groups. I really need to understand how to get this principle rolling in my life.

If the marriage mastermind has some split goals, well... that makes life hard. And emotionally and due to history the question remains can the couples goals be re-inter-twingled.

I remember nHill really emphasising the idea of "perfect harmony" and this has been a hangup for me. You know "perfection is procrastination masquerading..."

In the work life the natural mastermind is with the person that pays you. And I have that going well. I am looking for something bigger and it is starting to happen more and more I can feel it wanting to come.

Actually the only thing I can do at this point I feel, is to make myself more attractive to all groups by working to align my every action more directly with my goals which are under constant verification for truth

But sometimes I still go off into directions that I would rather not go. Passions. Emotional control.

Steven Barnes said...

1) You don't have to share goals with your partner. But your partner DOES need to be able to support you in your goals, or at the very least, not sabotage you.

2) The person who pays you is rarely your mastermind. Employer and Employee rarely have the same intents and values. Of course, you are a part of their "team", but Masterminds need to operate on the same energetic level, while you in a work situation are "down stream"

3) Start by connecting with your hopes and dreams and needs. Then be in alignment with whatever spiritual principles you hold close to your heart. THEN you have all you need to navigate life with dignity and integrity. As you do this, you will come into contact with others who share the same values, and out of these, you can select your mastermind. NEVER bond into a "Mastermind" with anyone who cannot operate in a spirit of harmony. This is like having a seizure, the halves of your brain miscommunicating. Not a pretty sight!

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