JULY 14, 2011
The lovely and talented J. S. has been successfully battling with her weight over the last months, and slowly it drops away. She has been smart enough to share her struggles on Facebook, including the depression that pops up if she gains a little weight during a week.
Note something important--this is TYPICAL backlash from our ego, which believes that it is us. Egos are not evil, and you cannot completely eradicate it so long as you have a body. But you can become familiar with its "voice" and tactics, and get the joke.
At any rate, on Facebook, one of her friends posted the following note:
"Losing weight feels sort of surreal, doesn't it? Like, I don't really believe in the weight loss 'til I try clothes on and I say, "Huh. These pants seem to have grown. That's weird."
What this person said is CRITICAL. We have to change our self-image, or the chances of self-sabotage are about 95%. The problem with shifting bodies is that our old concepts and emotions are FAR more slippery than the mere physics of the situation. I HATE it when people who do not understand prattle about 'laziness.' Jesus. No understanding of human psychology at all.
And while the dynamics of weight loss are photographable, the need to shift self-image is important in all three arenas. Do you believe you're worth twice the money you currently make? Can you see that version of yourself clearly? What do they do? How do they feel? How do they carry themselves? I promise it is different from the way you currently think, feel, and act.
How about relationships? It is so sad when people constantly blame their spouses and relationships for trauma and damage, without the slightest bit of self awareness that THEY CHOSE THEIR PARTNERS. At the very, very least, they have some waking-up to do. Maybe growing-up. Healing. Either you didn't know yourself, or you don't read other people very well. This can be fixed, but you MUST take responsibility. Who is the version of you who could have a healthy, happy, sensual, positive relationship? Unless you are currently in such a blessed union, I promise that person walks, talks, thinks, and feels different from you.
Now, I'm going to tell a story on my buddy Scott Sonnon. I've known fanatics my whole life. They can seem brilliant, talented, focused, and worthy of emulation and leadership. When I met Scott, I knew he was a singularity: his quality of motion was unique in my experience, and I have seen some extraordinary martial athletes. And charismatic? He dominated a roomful of Alphas so effortlessly you would have thought he was a Beta with a gun. I knew I wanted to get closer, but frankly, I was a little worried. So on one of my visits to train with him, I brought my wife, Tananarive. I told her I wanted her to notice three things:
1) His wife
2) The nature of his RELATIONSHIP with his wife.
3) Lastly, Scott himself.
You see, your partner is your mirror. You can't fake it for very long. You note the way the wife or husband acts when the partner is in the room. Out of the room. Moving in and out of physical space. Use emotional "soft focus" and trust your instincts. Keep your antennae WAY up. You'll figure it out. And by the way: the energy between Scott and his lovely wife Jodie was just phenomenal--you could feel both the childlike playfulness, the adult partnership, and the "oomph." The air virtually shimmered between them. She was his grounding, but also his guide. They clearly exchanged positions of leadership depending upon the issues. What we were seeing is the same healthy dance of male-female energy that should be internal in every human being, played out in a dyadic relationship. Lovely.
I knew I could trust him--Scott was the real thing.
To achieve that level of physical, mental, and emotional/spiritual success, you MUST constantly battle with your old self-image. It will strangle you, bind you, try desperately to limit you. Fear will be a constant companion (which is one of the reasons Scott's fear coping techniques are among the most powerful I've encountered.)
And I mean you will fight these battles DAILY unless your self-image is aligned with your goals. That "human laser" thing is tricky: self-image, goals, values, beliefs, positive and negative emotional anchors, support systems...ALL of this has to be aligned. Any "chink" in the armor has to be dealt with, or you will bleed energy.
Every morning, I start by finding my heartbeat. Then I do 100 "be breathed" style breaths in cross-legged position (similar to Kapalbhati breathing, with emphasis on exhalation with inhalation automatic as the diaphragm drops). Slow. As I do, and allow my kinesthetic awareness to drift between heartbeat and breathing, I visualize the youngest self I can access--usually about 5 years old (I can go much younger, but 5 seems to be about average in the mornings) and see if he's smiling at me. If so, he'll give me "light" and I connect that light between the "root" of my spine (where the 5 year old sits) and my heart (which represents my current state). What are my top three goals? Can I see and feel myself accomplishing them with joy? If so, great. If not, there is work to do. If all is well, allow the light to rise higher, until I connect with my Death Image.
Now, I got this from my father, on his deathbed. He died well. It is ancient, and weathered, and reminds me that life is finite. I am my own elder, and whisper of the values that endure. If the light stretches from Child to Elder with clarity, I'm in great shape. Everything is aligned. If not, I will either concentrate on the Child self and bring the light up, or on my Heartspace and allow it to spread. I never concentrate on my Elder unless I'm rooted in one of the other two.
Doesn't seem healthy. When I do that, I seem to accomplish externals while losing my sense of self. It's...odd. Maybe I'll talk more about that another time.
At any rate, if your goals and self-image fail to match, you'll want to concentrate on your heartspace, and visualize yourself clearly doing, being, having your goal with effortless energy and integrity and joy. See it. Feel it. Spend twenty minutes doing this a day, until it comes easily to you, and you will be astonished at the ease with which your goals just seem to "materialize."
It's not magic at all, of course. Most people probably expend twice the energy they need to reach their goals. That energy is just snarled like a Gordian knot. Emotional clarity, values, and self-love are Alexander's sword.
If you can't see it, you can't be it.