The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter


Thursday, January 08, 2009

Feels so right, it can't be wrong...can it?

As Mushtaq and I get the autoresponders ready for the test run over at my email service, I'm also discussing the pieces of the 101 system here. Today is DAY THREE, and on day three we begin to investigate your life goals.

1) What do you want to accomplish in the next 101 days in the arena of your body?

2) What do you want to accomplish in the next 101 days in the arena of your career?

3) What do you want to accomplish in the next 101 days in the arena of your emotions?

Here are reasonable goals for a program like this:

1) Lose twenty pounds

2) Develop a clear, workable plan to clean up your finances and increase your cash flow

3) Develop a steady meditation program, establish a vastly more effective communication with your spouse, or access the vein of self-love and self-respect that broadcasts to the world that you are ready for an adult relationship.

There is a part of you that knows how to be healthy, happy, successful. We're settling for nothing less than all three.

##

Let's see. More on sex. My first girlfriend was named Sandy. Sandy claimed (and her mother verified) that she was the daughter of Iceberg Slim, a pretty notorious pimp who wrote a bunch of street lit back in the day. That implies something pretty interesting about her Mom, but I never had the balls to ask. Anyway, Sandy was gorgeous, and sexy as hell, and pretty much turned me out.

She also was quite volatile, and tried to push me into dominating her physically. By that, I mean that she tried to manipulate me into hitting her. No kidding. It was this behavior that both convinced me that ol' Iceberg might indeed have been in the mix, and also doomed us. I wasn't going down that road. But I adored her. She tried to get me to move out of my Mom's house with her, and actually moved out of her mom's house into an apartment, thinking that would force my hand. It didn't, and we broke up. And got back together. And broke up.

Damn the sex was good. But you know what? If you're half-way competent it's almost ALWAYS good. That's the nature of sex. Dangerous to think it intrinsically means anything more than that.

##

Question:

Did you ever have your nose open so wide for a great sexual relationship that you didn't notice that everything else was wrong?

13 comments:

Lester Spence said...

1. I want to have enough energy to play four full games of basketball without getting tired. (I weigh 150 and am happy with my body type. Don't need weight gain or loss...I need more energy for what's coming. This was the best way for me to specify it.)

2. I want to have two book contracts, three new papers in submission, and be up to date on my finances.

3. I want to be fully present for my wife and my children.

Lynn Gazis-Sax said...

1. I'm not sure. Maybe lose 10 pounds, but I'm not sure I need to. Improve my ability to walk and run without injuring my knees, but I don't have a specific goal. Maybe strengthen my abdominal muscles. Or maybe try yoga. I'm pretty vague here. (But in the meantime, I try to walk every day and follow a diabetes-friendly diet to keep my husband, who does have diabetes, company.)

2. That's easier. I want to finish retiring my non-mortgage debt, take a class or two that enhances my job skills, while writing a novel in my spare time.

3. Regular meditation and keep up with my extended family, while making sure to spend enough time with my husband.

Did you ever have your nose open so wide for a great sexual relationship that you didn't notice that everything else was wrong?

Actually, no, my relationship failures were other than that.

Josh Jasper said...

Health wise, I'd like to loose 15 pounds, jog regularly in the mornings, have a vegetarian fast week once out of every month, cook more at home with organic ingredients, and stop snacking late at night.

I'm hoping to find work in my field, with a good company, at a decent pay rate. Right now, it's a step above being unemployed.

Relationship wise, things are good. I don't see them as needing much improvement. More sex would be nice, though.

Anonymous said...

Steve! Yes, i remember my nose was so wide open for this dude that i actually let him cheat on me like crazy. As long as I was still getting mine, i was "okay" with it. I even thought if i "waited" i tout, he would come to his senses and be with me 100%. Guess what? NEVER HAPPENED. Eventually I had to make a decision about letting go the man I "knew" was my soul mate. I was 17 then and he was 34. Not until much later in life did i realize something was definitely wrong with him even being with me. After he supremely disrespected me and i finally left, he called me FOUR years later to say he was sorry for the way he treated. Seems though karma was a b*tch and he got disrespected the same way he did me. But boy- the sex was off the chain...that is until i really had off the chain sex :)

I love me some Iceberg Slim. But there are still women who believe that if a man doesn't beat them, they don't "love" them. Sad.

LaVeda H. Mason said...

Odd. The posted goals are perfect for where I am right now, so I was feeling pretty much on track... until the final question. Dang!

To answer the question, the answer is "yes", and in fact, I'm just picking up the pieces right now from the giant mess. I just didn't see that *everything* else was wrong, except for that one thing, which was great. Family and friends tried to tell me over the years, but my nose was so wide open, I didn't even have one on my face anymore, LOL!!

As usual, your insights are right on point... 'dangerous' is absolutely correct. Living unconsciously in any area has its price, and the sooner you wake up, the lower that price will be.

Bennett said...

(Question:



Did you ever have your nose open so wide for a great sexual relationship that you didn't notice that everything else was wrong?)


*Welds together a giant neon sign which blinks aloud to the heavens*

"YES"

As to the others...

1. Physically, I'm in good shape, but I'd like to be in great shape. In particular I'd like to add a little to my frame (yeah, I need/want to -gain- rather than lose weight) in the form of muscle. My ultimate goal is in the 160 lb range.

2. Getting into grad school (which is out of my hands at this point), and actually keeping to my writing schedule. I've been finding it agonizingly hard to just turn out writing without an audience or a defined goal. Whereas when I was writing a story specifically for an individual as a gift, and had a deadline (Christmas) I could sit and write for hours on end.

3. Oy. I've been terribly ambivalent there lately, with the emotions. Sometimes I feel fine, other times considerably less so. I need to work on the focus to really assess myself and meditate more frequently. Daily, really. There's a girl I'm not quite sure how I feel about, stresses that come and go, and even my own self-image and love of the world seem protean and ephemeral.

Marty S said...

Actually in college I had the opposite problem. I got dropped by a couple of girls I dated because I didn't try to have sex with them.

Althea said...

1. What do you want to accomplish in the next 101 days in the arena of your body?

Stick to my raw vegan diet.

2. What do you want to accomplish in the next 101 days in the arena of your career?

Create the Mocha Angels website which will help me crystalize what I do.

I had a hard time with this question because I teach yoga, do readings, create & write about raw vegan food, and am working on another novel, with another non-fiction book that is completed and waiting in the wings. I have a lot of careers. Gathering my focus on what I want it to truly look like will be a great help.

3. What do you want to accomplish in the next 101 days in the arena of your emotions?

Forgive my in-laws and myself so that my home can heal and I can move on with the rest of my life in only a positive direction.

Anonymous said...

Yeah. I'll note that after about the millionth time you hit the heavy bag, hitting a nonviolent unathletic person, even at her request, is a really bad idea.

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